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ScapeGOAT

Don’t worry about me

Worry about you

I been sleeping good but its the guilt that left me shook

As if i influenced everyone around me

I doubt it so don’t you dare doubt me

As if I’m the evil…

As if I’m the person who been primeval..?

As if i havent been on a mission of retrieval.

I guess nobody knows unless you change the tone,

And open that mouth to let it be known what you told

But im not the type to ask for credit

And maybe thats where im wrong because people do forget it

Not only that but people rewrite history in their own minds

Im not a perfect human i been there back in time

And if we didn’t have textbooks who would be able to tell this fake time?

But the truth is its all in my head

And i suffer from certain things that are better left unsaid

They told me im an open book

I said if you only knew everything that it took,

it truly would leave you shook.

They told me i belong in a hospital

I told then these tears taste sweet as sweet as the sunday gospel

They told me id never make it

Well i still aint there yet but Lord knows i aint shaken

They told me im too weird

I told them take this free homily and soon after they appeared

@nocturnalxo

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Done Dirty

The wind in the air is left sturdy

Breezing through lies that they buried

Only those eyes know the truth

Dont ever let them lie to you

Water blood dirt fire

Doesnt matter they all get higher

From watching you rise and fall

The best thing you can do is call

The last bit of love you have inside

Its a shame it took you this long to find

Whats been buried in plain sight

Even though i don’t mind i

Feel frozen in place

Because for so long i couldn’t relate

Until i really saw

Your soul it left me in awe

Bluff after bluff thats all they seem to recall

Except your eyes always told the truth it was seen in blurry truth

And now you’re left with the blood on your leaves

What can you do everyone is over it, please!

But the encore never seems to stop

They’re just waiting for your fall

Don’t make it hot.

Oh but they see

And they analyze

Always fail to truly see

That you had it but it was hidden underneath

@nocturnalxo

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Used To Be

This used to be my time

Nocturnal rhymes

Used to be the vibe

Used to be until i found out it was killin me

Used to be until i found out what was encrypted in me

Used to be

Till i saw the magic formed against me

Used to be

But now i know that this is destiny

Now i know that this is meant to be

Used to be, until i understood divine testimony

Used to be, when i didn’t really understand me

Used to be, but now i do believe in me.

Used to be, but now i dont need thee

Post to be, everything i ever dreamed of

Post to be, i believe in God and me

Post to be, love and divinity

Post to be, understanding the faults in me

Always be learning and growing C.

@nocturnalxo

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Loyalty

I’m loyal to the soil

Even when it hurts

But now I know I’m gonna put myself first

Sometimes people do

Come and go

But some you won’t forget so it’s hard to let go

With that being said

The disconnect happens when the loyalty is not to ourselves

So we end up putting our own hearts on dusty shelves

Loyalty

It starts in the mirror

As you look into your own eyes and get lost in the beautiful figure

@nocturnalxo

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Heal The World

It wasn’t our fault

And that’s what we don’t get

I did fall and I fell with many regrets

But now I’m up because I’m finally searching

Searching for my soul

It often felt like i was a burden

The pain is masked so well i forget

The pain i forget is hidden and it scars invisible to my friends

But life is a gift so we must stand tall

Yet sometimes it becomes so easy to fall

Forget about “me” look around you all

Surrounded by clouds

but the river IS flowing

And the trees will still end up growing

How can we be upset if we did not stop showing

How much we do care

For our earth in its time of despair

Although We may not like it

But forever its been unrequited

The love the earth deserves was lost

we stopped being united

So show respect for our home

Without it we are frightened

lets ignite the power of earth

The beauty it holds and show it all of its worth

Once we do that

The air will feel lighter

Once we do that

It’ll be easy to be a fighter

@nocturnalxo

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Scream Hope

I’m not going to scream

I’m not going to cry

I’m going to continue to take things one step at a time

I’m not going to freak out

Anxiety is on its way out

And all I can really say is I do wanna scream and shout! But out of happiness!

After all these years I realized my purpose and i was just masking it

Lost in the sauce of who you thought I was

Whole time I really did have it all along

HOPE

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but never grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just heavy but we must maintain

And we must stay sane

In times where we are targeted for our brains

Just a little poetic justice

I dont know about you but i hope you can trust it

As i listen to D nice and ?uest love mix it up

You know how i feel so go out and spread love

@nocturnalxo

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Mirror

Sometimes the reflection can be painful

Sometimes we take things on bc we are made to

Sometimes peace of mind is all we need

To know that things will be fine in the in between

Sometimes we react off instinct

Sometimes our dreams do die because we arent listening

Sometimes it hurts to look

But not this time because I’m giving it all it took

Most times the wrong ppl cling

To the message and hold on to it with bling

To talk is to walk

If i don’t walk the walk how can I talk the talk

If I don’t see the problem

How can I be the solution

I guess that’s the beauty of mystery

Mystery because we are all bruising

To smile through the pain and endure the rain

Means to keep the mirror feeling sane

To meditate not medicate might be my generations biggest struggle

If i gotta be the poster child just know they will end up

charging me with double

But im a soldier i was made from the rubble

Yet my heart beats fast so i gotta slow it down or else im stubble

@nocturnalxo

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Different Cell

Same trials, different cell

Same struggle, different hell

Same heart, different wells

Karma comes and gets it still

Protect the hearts who beat through the stain

And smile through the pain

Living life insane but its normal in the rain

@nocturnalxo

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The Woes Of Being A Woman

Whos real whos fake

all people want is a piece of your cake

cash rules everything but women make it go round

so what can we do when we continue to make them frown

I ain’t mad at cha

see right through it

what am I supposed to do if playing the game is fluid?

fuck out my space if you didn’t know then yes this is the case

I ain’t scared I’m just chilling

I got a raw intuition feeling

so ima rhyme how I need to all the time

ima be me because my life is mine

the woes of being a woman

the no’s of being inhuman

let it go only way for the love to show

life is hard enough we just gotta try

keep listening to outside opinions and watch it all fry

speaking for myself because shit is real

learning bout myself learning I got to chill

temper going rapid

but blessings all around

so I breathe in and let go all that weighs me down

–  nocturnalxo 🙂

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The Unknown

Maybe I know too much

Maybe I know too little

But what I really know is that this time was meant to grow like I’m on a riddle

Not working for the people who represent hate

Because I just really can not relate

Keep looking I’ll send it right back to you

Do you really wanna get this started boo?

@nocturnalxo

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Untitled

Your eyes they never lie do they

I’ve seen you crying

I’ve been hearing it loud for 2 days

I wanna understand I want to see who’s behind that mask

I wanna see but maybe it is meant to be free

For open interpretation

We grasping for hope because this life looks so fake and

I wanna complain I really do but I think I found the real you

@nocturnalxo

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Bleeding Heart

Bleeding Heart

My heart bleeds for the love that I know is unrequited

It’s crazy to feel but fuck it I am ignited

To let go of what I cannot control is my mission

Because if I don’t I start to lose my vision

To remember is something I hope never leaves

I want to remember what it feels like to breathe

To let you go it might seem very selfish

But I had to do it for me

It’s apart of my lesson

@nocturnalxo

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Hope

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but dont grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just many experience

Can be heavy but still we must maintain

For there is always a rainbow after that rain

@nocturnalxo

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Insomnia

They say, there’s no rest for the Wicked

But is it Wickedness or Weakness ?

Word to K.Dot I’m tryna embody his uniqueness

With a splash of me in between

A Conscious Devoted Poetic Queen.

Who struggles just like you and me

I don’t got the answers Im not Sway Calloway or anyone in between

But what I will say is that I do pray that my Homicidal Toxicity

Soon lifts up out and turns to grey

My spirit wants to sleep but the insomnia wants to shout

My soul wants to leap but the weed wants to pout

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Overactive mind but I wanna tweet

Something deep inside needs to switch sides

Because I’m over it, I’m on Summer Walkers line

Lord knows I need some peace of mind, this shit really ain’t it

Shout out to Lauryn Hill that woman is a dime

But back to the point I need to slow down my membrane

I’d be damned if Once again I’m back with the insanes

Lord give me some guidance because I’m feeling lost

I don’t know what happened

If only they knew just how far the darkness seeps through

But I cover it up real nice

Fuck around put it on a bow tie it twice

It’s better off this way sometimes

I think Atleast, anyway

Regardless of it all Ima still be ok.

@nocturnalxo

Side Note: The music I add at the end of my works usually embody the energy for it. Or the song inspired me so I’m giving it credit and showing luv ❤️

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Problem Child

Just take another pill

Shit I feel like you will

Cus the way that last one left you really didn’t fill any pain you don’t want to feel

I don’t know how it got to this

Recreational pleasures turned to taking it regardless of the deadly consequence

And trust me I haven’t even lost my senses

Not yet atleast because at the pace I’m going ima just give it about 2 weeks.

Tears in my eyes I’m so confused inside

What does this life mean? What is it supposed to be?

The game of life to me seems like torture

A hell created specifically for us

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

I Had my first real heart break at 5

15 years later it’s feels hard to be alive

Not because of that, it happens to many

But because of the cards I’ve been dealt with

I feel like I’ve suffered plenty

And so the pain, it has layers.

Because I’ve covered it up with bandaids and left it to be cleaned up for later

How can I cope? Pick up some dope

How can I feel good inside ? Pick up those pills and fly

How can I go numb? succumb to the Henny and come

To the land of Euphoria

That’s the story for ya

Dark Twisted & Sick.

I’ll never say it aloud but that’s the road I’m headed in

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Sun & Moon

The sun is setting

So the moon can rise

Both on opposite sides yet they still do shine

In different ways for the sun will blind you with its rays

While the moon simply illuminates

Oh what a love story

Still told till this day

Dimming your light so others can shine bright

So every dawn the moon would die

So the sun could shine it’s radiating ray lights

And when the sun would set

The moon comes in luminous so no one would fret

For there’s always a light to look forward to

If it wasn’t for the sun, would the moon shine so bright?

If the only reason the moon gives you moonlight is that the sun reflects its daylight

A dynamic duo

Taboo love but it’s as determined as Pluto

And maybe when we’ve reached the end of time, the two bright lights can collide

In an ideal world perhaps

Until then

they’ll steal glances from dawn to dusk

the love they share would just entirely run amuck

so in a way, it’s all okay

everything has its time, maybe one day

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Happy Sunday

Sunshine is strictly my mission

To live every day with only one condition

To thank God for the fact that I woke up while other bodies weren’t in that position

To smile every day and train my mind to be grateful that I have risen

I say that because i don’t want to live in a pessimistic prison

Listen! Because the darkness is quick to devour

The darkness can sometimes easily over power

But yes while living in complete reality

As a realist is ideal

I will still try to keep the rose tinted glasses on

That’s how I feel

Because living in misery just feels wrong

Growing with positivity reigning on my soul positivity like the sun that encourages me to continue to grow

Yet still, there is pain and disappointments that can be felt every day

I know it’s a cliche, but that won’t stop me from saying

The sun rises after every long night

Be that sun that gets up after every moonlight

Your psyche determines a lot of things

Determines if you’ll forever see that bad or let freedom ring

Free your mind of the enslavement it can go through sometimes

Let it bring the fertilizer to reign in

Breathe that fresh air and feel that sun because this life ain’t too generous to some

It’s the little things that will continue to keep us going

So don’t stop now because your path is still unfolding

Live in the now

Think with the sun

And walk to the sky

Nothing is impossible in the life we live, so try

@nocturnalxo

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Poetry Is For

Poetry is for the unexpressed souls

Poetry is for the creatives that need the juice to flow

Poetry is for the hearts that need healing

Poetry is for the minds to decipher the meaning

Poetry is for love and heart

Mind and street smarts

Poetry is for the soul like fertilizer for the creative planting hole

Like the sun that washes away all of the rainy tears we experience in multiple ways

Or the moon that illuminates the dark we fear

Poetry is for the song that must be sung

Or the heart that needs the alarm to be rung

For different perspectives on life

Poetry is for you and I and all peoples of every walk of life

Whether we create it as our mission

Or we read it just so our spirit can listen

Whether we spit it so the ground can tremble

Or we hear it so the chills can continue through our vessels

It’s an art that requires soul

An art that requires empathy to unfold

It’s not about the rhyme scheme

Or the similes, metaphors or double entendres 

And although all that adds to the beauty

It’s the message and how it’s delivered

That makes others shiver

So next time you hear it or read it maybe even write it or deal it

Just realize the power of words

Others will try to belittle it

But the power of being heard

Is a power we all desire

We have it in our hands, our hearts and mind’s eye

so be sure to thank your higher power 

⁃ @nocturnal

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Let Me Be Your Favorite Nightmare

Love

It came so easily

But was it love or just lust that I accepted

Which was the frequency?

Never mind that because although the love you gave did end up pleasing me

Still

Something was missing, my usual carefree spirit was wheezing for air

As if you sucked it all out of me and left me without a care

As if I give and give and give

And I live to forgive then relive

But to see your highs while I stay low

A leech you are

Protected by your costume of snow

In the moment it’s bliss

When I look back I reminisce

On how I missed out on an equal give and take

Choosing someone who I knew would end up giving me heartache

All for something that felt good but when I wake up I see it was all fake

I see past the desire of feeling love

It’s all about you, it always was

The most beautiful boogeyman

Stuck on your looks and I really should have looked passed that

You were my favorite nightmare but for what?

It’s just a fact that it was all For a quick fuck and a trip to the land of unseen

I’ll tell you what

Tonight, I’ll see you again in my dreams

@nocturnalxo

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Speed Law

J wants to die she’s working on dying before her time

What can you do

She takes those pills it’s fucking with more than just her mind

What can you say

Has so much potential but wastes it on cheap thrills

Doesn’t see too far ahead she’s stuck on the mundane wheel

When everyone sees her, they see a star in the making

But the way she’s followed the trend makes them feel like they’re sadly mistaken

J just wants to fill an empty hole that her reality isn’t giving

J isn’t a bad person she’s just fallen victim to the hood life she’s been living

Once j wakes up and realizes health is wealth

Once j wakes up and realizes drugs and substance won’t bring you strength

Once she sees it’s all in the books that she reads and the knowledge that will help her live her vivid dreams

Once she sees there’s more to life than fast cars and the newest EP

Once she sees that the family and friends around her are blessings amongst other things

Once she starts smelling the roses and learns this lesson

The manifestation will start rolling, and there won’t be so much stressing

But who am I to speak?

I’m just an observer watching my friend slowly bring on an early peak

It hurts to see but addressing it is hard because it’s depressing to hear about all of her scars

Knowing all I can do is listen

Can’t make any actions for her that’s her own mission

Nobody’s perfect I would never judge her for giving in to the unhealthy frisson

I just wish one day she complies and sees the real vision

I pray she gets out of that mental prison and all the self sins she made on herself she’s able to look at herself and be forgiven

Nobody’s perfect! I’m not a saint

And the way it’s easy to be a victim to substance abuse should make us all say …

”Hold up, wait.”

The youth must wake up and realize the war on drugs is personal

It’s not the same as it was back then It’s actually way less merciful

In the fact that it’s gotten stronger chemicals in it that will make your high last longer

It’s not innocent and if you’re not grounded

It’ll leave you in false imprisonments

In your mind

So never depend

Never look at it as a friend.

Never think that it’s a problem solver

Because next time you look, you’re playing Russian roulette  with a gun revolver

⁃ @nocturalxo

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The Alchemy of Pain

Growing up without a father left me feeling empty

Searching for things that would fill the void it left me

Searching for things that didn’t accurately align with my purpose

Things that set me back I wonder if it was all on purpose

If I was meant to have to learn from all these lessons

The stress this life gave me also came with many blessings

But when I look back i try to find exactly what made me

The trauma did it made me stronger

Strong to fight with bravery

Strong to fight so nothing on this earth can genuinely phase me

and when I look back, I used to want to be so perfect

Not knowing that the trauma made me grow so I can thirst this

thirst for a purpose that would make me feel so free,

desire for all of the knowledge I could gain in these crooked streetz

I didn’t have a father to teach me the full game

just a lot of family that wanted to and tried to help me gain

higher self-esteem to look at myself positively

let the feeling of it all being my fault go, so I could breathe

that empty feeling, I had to fix within my soul

I couldn’t understand it left me feeling like this life just continues to take tolls

like love was war and that I needed a man

like I could do nothing on my own, and I needed a helping hand

I went through many trials

trials and tribulations

I almost pressed the dial

I almost couldn’t face it

I didn’t understand why my life was such a hit and miss

but then something clicked it took a while, but I began to predict

had visions of a life that I could see

A life that was designed perfectly for you and me

A life where you won’t have to suffer and then die

A life where dreams come true and all I did was open my eyes

because this life cant really be such a grand chore

as long as you work for what you want, there will always be more

I realized that life is really what you make it

I learned after certain trips

that left me stranded in the Himalayas

I’m still not perfect but trust me when I tell you

I do stay growing cause this life will continue to test you

The alchemy of pain is the knowledge that I gained and how its flourishing

The passion that remains, build it up if the pain has left any stains

because something that is true is that we’re here for a short time so just do you

@nocturnalxo

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Breaking Free

The walls around me were white

My soul felt trapped

airtight

Flashbacks of my first day

Did they really leave me here to stay?

I glanced to my left and then to my right

“You don’t belong here, you better fight”

Voices rang my eyes dropped as low as they can

I did belong, I just wasn’t well

Spirit on low, thoughts that you’ll never know

Visions of what my life could be

Was it true or was it all just a fantasy?

Misconceptions all day

I couldn’t believe I had let this get to my brain

I just wanted to escape but I knew this was my place for the time being

I wrote and wrote and wrote

Until my heart felt less broke

And once It did I looked in the mirror

Reflection looked extremely unfamiliar

Fore I was so used to the sadness

It’s almost as if I had lost all of my balance

But I knew deep down I was there

I just couldn’t see it, I barely cared

It took some time but I recovered

I didn’t lose anything I only uncovered

Deeper layers of myself

Journal writing was my help including God

All I did was write I took that pen as my fight

I’m better now than I was back then

Because I learned how to be my own bestfriend

How to love myself unconditionally

It’s a struggle still but I consistently

Try and try and try

That’s all we can do and sometimes I

Still slip up, I still fall down

As long as I pick myself up for the next time around

I will persevere as long as I stand my ground

As long as I don’t forget and I know my worth

No more tears and no more hurt.

@nocturnalxo

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Growing Pains

Being human sucks sometimes, in the sense of it’s confusing and intense. We’re told at a very young age that we must grow up and take on full adult responsibilities. It’s normalized to just suck things up and get the job done, and if the going gets rough because it will get rough since this life isn’t meant to be easy, it could be looked at as being a cry baby or immaturity. But maybe 18 really isn’t a mature adult age. In the eyes of the law, yes, but If you think about it, are 18-year-olds really grown? When I look back to me at 18 years old, I see a broken, lost girl who knew herself but didn’t really know how to tap into her capability. A lion in sheep’s clothing following what seemed to be the right path, but it wasn’t my soul’s path. Conforming to society’s idea of success.

And furthermore getting lost in a maze I never unlocked before. I see life hitting me hard with many actualities of what this life really is. Tragedies and trauma from even younger ages but epiphanies of what they really were supposed to mean to me. I also see myself trying to reject reality by overindulging in things that brought me temporary happiness. Whether that be sex, weed, liquor, or material matters like money clothes or stuff that, in reality, was never going to fill that void for me. All of those things seemed fulfilling, but, in hindsight, were fraudulent escapism tools. When you think about it, it’s kinda like wow, all the things that can make you feel good ultimately make you feel bad. And that shit stinks, Life.

“Why everything that supposed to be bad makes me feel so good?” – Kanye West. Knowing me, I’ll put the link below this because that’s the energy I want to discuss in these next few paragraphs. When it is all said and done, moderation is vital, and adjusting to what this life is and acting accordingly will save a lot of people’s sanity, including mine. Another thing about life is, everything is easier said than done. It’s easy to tell someone who is suffering from addiction, whether that be sex addiction, love addiction, drug addiction, social media addiction, etc. To just snap out of it, “focus on your priorities,” but when you don’t understand the type of euphoria it brings, the kind of serotonin and dopamine released. It’s hard to even sympathize with what in your reality seems trivial. It’s easy to say things, but it’s harder to put in the work and do it. Unless that person truly wants to let go of any of their addictions, they won’t. It’s possible because anything is possible, but that feel-good reaction comes rushing back in their memories, and letting it go hurts because maybe reality is not as extraordinary as what they’re abusing.

Letting go from memories seems like something that is also easier said than done. Sometimes when we think about past memories, we only think about the good we don’t think about how that person has hurt us to unforgivable degrees; we just think about when they were extra loving and what made us love them as much as we do. We think about that really lovely high when we couldn’t stop laughing or when music felt so different we don’t think about when we threw up or couldn’t function properly. We think about our first orgasm or just the plenty of times intimacy has brought bliss, we don’t think about that time we were coerced forced or manipulated into performing sexual acts we really didn’t want to perform. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized you were just getting used. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized your partner was not as hygienic as you hoped. Some of these things could bother you as a person; some of these things could be something you could care less about. Some of these things could have happened to you, Some of these things could have not happened to you. And We’re all different, but that doesn’t mean it cannot happen to you.

Although life makes it so that words can come easy and actions to follow those words can be a trial, It does not mean we are not capable. It does not mean we cannot. We are humans, and although our actions on a global scale have given us a bad name slightly, we don’t understand just how powerful we are. Letting go seems to be the cause of a lot of ongoing addictions. Letting go is hard because we want to own those memories; it’s in our subconscious, so why shouldn’t we relive it over and over again? Letting go and lack of self-love, lack of actual knowledge on just how unique our species is. Not only because of the power we hold but the emotions that behold inside of our hearts. To truly let go, we must know that everything we search for externally is already in us.

 

These are the things I’ve seen or experienced all of these things are apart of the human experience. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Having to grow up at a young age, even younger than 18 sometimes for personal reasons, is hard. Our brains aren’t yet fully equipped to handle such a chaotic chain of events, life goes by shortly. It just feels long.   In actuality, it is an illusion. Get into a place in life where you are happy content and having fun and watch time suddenly escape in a blink of an eye. Kinda like the drug DMT if you’ve ever heard of it or taken it. It lasts 15 seconds, but it feels like hours. Of course, it’s a drug, so it’s a little different but.. is it? Is life all just a simulation? But I digress. Striving for maturity as a legal adult is ideal, but maturity takes time to fully reach it’s peak, thus the growing pains that accompany it. I have struggled with overthinking and feeling like I should be a full-grown adult and act like one too; when I’m only twenty years old. Putting pressure on myself to figure things out and suck the heartaches up, but it does not make sense, and it is actually very unhealthy to do so. People around my age, the youth, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves to be aware of how life can pass us by but strive to reach a path where it does most positively.

Life is filled with earthquakes. Some small some large some that will rock your world and some that will shake the ground slightly. And although everything is easier said than done, this life is a test. That’s not an opinion; that’s a fact. A test to see what we can handle, a check on our character, an inspection on our soul. To be ready for what’s beyond, we must first deal with the mundane. To be adequately equipped for the mundane, we must first grow, adjust to reality, and accept our pain. Move on and become our own biggest fans in a way where arrogance doesn’t show, but self love surely glows. We must acknowledge our feelings truly heal and keep our heads up high for the next day. Life is what you make it, and it’s so easy to get lost in the negativity but they always say the easiest path isn’t as rewarding as the path that makes you sweat or makes your heart skip a beat, the road less traveled on. Growing pains, it is hard, and it hurts, but in the end, it all works. Choose the path that will bring you to your higher self, the road that connects your body with your soul. “Nobody said it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.”-Harvey Mackay

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Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo

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World Peace

I’m ringing all the alarm bells

The truth is we’re living in hell aswell

I’m tired of this as the reality for all of us

In the grand scheme of things, this affects everyone

I don’t want this for the general population or my family so let us discuss

World peace world peace

Is it really too much to ask?

I toss back my head and laugh

To stop the tears that crash from the absence of

World peace world peace

If I’m so tired, imagine them

Living in a war zone parallel to hell

How can we end it if evil seems to prevail?

World peace world peace

I’ll pray about it every day

my biggest wish is that it does not go in vain

Because one day my desire will coerce the brains

To wash away all the hate

We are humans we are one in this land of shame

World peace world peace

I don’t think I’m asking for much

But with all the corrupt leadership It feels like nothing will budge

and evil has corrupt everyday souls

if you ask me the good must take control

but that’s the dreamer in me trying to find a real loophole

One day one day

World peace will reign

When it does, I’ll say

Thank you, God, for such a beautiful day

@nocturnalxo

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LOVE

I don’t want a love that i have to fight for

I don’t want a love that makes me feel unworthy or makes me deal with gaslight nor

Do I want a love that contradicts who i am

Don’t want to question myself over any man

Don’t need a love that makes me go insane or question my brain

I want a love that makes me love myself more

Makes me see all that i bring to the door

A love that only validates my true power

One that helps me grow into a beautiful flower

In all reality i want a love that is unconditional

Something i can give to myself as it wont be minimal

A love called self

A love that will never put me on the bottom shelf

A love everlasting

A love that does not need any form of fasting

A love which is true

The best love you can give yourself is loving you

@nocturnalxo

 

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All That I Need

I’m really all that i need

Its truly beautiful that i finally see

It took me long enough to genuinely believe

That all the beauty i see in you i can also see in me

I’m really all that i need

Of course loneliness is something that still happens to me

I tap in and see how harmonious i am alone as i continue to grow

Because without my self love than i am truly alone

The potential that i have goes on for centuries

Once i set that potential in motion my success will run as deep as the pacific ocean

And when i focus on the positive i let go all of my miseries

When i legitimately dive in deep

I see how i thrive when i believe in me

So believe in you

Because true love develops when you grow the seed of truth

That once we initiate that unconditional love within

There is nothing holding us back to win

@nocturnalxo

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The Highs & The Lows

The highs could outweigh the lows but who knows what this life will hold

One minute we’re flying next second we fall

And that fall may stall what is meant to be

but keep your head up because soon they all will see

From the illusion of control the reality of us as a whole

We must relinquish and surrender

The Universe/ God is working  as our defender

our souls’ journey may be traveling through a blender

Live for you because this life is unapologetic

you’ll look back and wish that it was oh so poetic

From The Mountain top to rock bottom

we all go through shit we all have our problems

please don’t let the lows intervene 

don’t let it kill your dreams

time alone is exactly what you need

the highs and the lows will simply behold our spirits calling for more

Breathe in

Breathe out

We all will figure things out

@Nocturnalxo

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EGO

Everything I’m about to type I am guilty of.

This society is very ego-driven, meaning we determine our self worth on what we think about ourselves. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing but too much of anything can turn into a demise. We want to believe that in some way shape or form, we are better than the next person. This can cause us to become arrogant and mask it with confidence. I know this because it was once me. It isn’t that we are not special beings, it is the fact that everyone is special in their own ways. We all have things that make us stand out. Whether you are very in touch with your spirit, or you are a very hard worker or you are very empathetic and caring, etc. These things make us stand out but just because we may feel like we are one of one, that does not necessarily mean that it is true. That is something your ego wants you to believe. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that you should dim your light. All that I’m trying to convey is that starving your ego is healthy and won’t lead to delusion, disappointment or regret.

For example, with me, sometimes when I embrace what makes me unique or different I can unintentionally make others feel less than. Since life is a cycle assemble the uno reverse card for I as well have felt that before with others.  It is not our fault for how other people take things. A lot of times the people who take offense are going through their own circumstances. We tend to use social media as an escape and it becomes very easy to get lost in the sauce. In the age of smartphones, it is very easy to lose touch. It is not like how it began where we would have to log out and log back on when we feel like. The energy stays with us and we tend to take things personally even when it is not meant in that way. Is it our fault? Should we stop being who we are for that? My answer is No. Being mindful and aware of how strong our energy can come off is ideal. Understanding that everyone grows at their own pace and removing yourself from any energy that brings you pain, Strong or not, is the idea. My point is, Moderation is the key. Starving your ego is what we should all do from time to time yet killing your ego can and will lead to low self-esteem and depression

I think a mistake I have made is that in trying desperately to humble myself, I would kill my ego instead of starving it. There is a very fine line but once this is achieved, Aligning with your true purpose will become easier. I will put a link on helpful tips to starve your ego and align with your soul.

 

5 Ways To Starve The Ego

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Hero on Ground Zero

Her smile, Her strength

I learned it all from the best

Goodness gracious this lady had on a bulletproof vest

Reminded me of a ram mixed with a bull

Or so it seemed because in all reality

We cannot escape mortality

Working hard never taking a break

Life catches up to us all we all must accept our fate

And so it was

Losing your memory hurt me the most

Because all I can remember is every time you took

Me to the park or those sleepovers in the dark

Now I see you dying slowly

shot after shot

I wish we could turn back the clock

Go back to those days when you would watch me play

Now you act younger than me because of whats going on in your brain

I wish things were different but this life is a mystery

So all I can do now is remember your true history.

A strong woman you are and will always be

I’ll remember who you were and what you meant to me

Nocturnalxo

https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?df_id=32112&32112.donation=form1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paidsearch&utm_campaign=google_giving&set.custom.wt=giving&gclid=CjwKCAiA58fvBRAzEiwAQW-hzbcR6fGMVR-2WDSnv84TKVxwHG_MoCB9XzDSTezKKx-66n07yN_DZxoC-mkQAvD_BwE

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Transfiguration (Short story)

   The wind felt bitter cold, and I could feel myself getting sick. That’s December in Connecticut for you though. I almost couldn’t get out of bed today, and it made me wonder about seasonal depression. It seems like a real thing, but lately, it’s been feeling like more than just that. Isn’t Seasonal depression a temporary thing? Hence the word seasonal? Regardless, The feelings I’ve been carrying around have been heavy since my first memory. Although I would have loved to stay in bed all day and sleep like I’m in hibernation, I have too many people who depend on me to do that. So, although I dreaded getting up today and seeing the snow, responsibilities needed to be tended to. As I’m walking towards my car, I pass by my reflection, and I almost flinch. My work uniform looks dirty, and my hair looks like it hasn’t been picked out or touched in days. I sigh and keep it moving, it is what it is.

           “Damon.” I heard a familiar girl’s voice call my name, So I broke my neck looking for anyone who would meet my eyes. Because it happened to be 5:30AM, the streets were practically empty. I shake my head, and immediately my mind goes to the fact that I fell asleep late, I didn’t even get the chance to eat breakfast. I wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the reason why I heard the voice. When I finally get to my car and enter it, for some odd reason, the vehicle felt already warmed up. This made my anxiety reach maximum potential, and I started to feel this gut-wrenching feeling as if someone was in my car or someone was watching me. I know how to defend myself, but I didn’t feel like even having to resort to that, I was too tired for all that extra energy to be wasted. My paranoia was knocking on the door, and my intuition was telling me to stay put and see what is up, but the time was telling me that if I don’t start driving, I was going to be late. So I said myself I’m just tired and I did not take these feelings seriously. I thought of my mother, who had just lost her job, and I thought of my little sister, who probably was not going to get everything on her Christmas list because of that. Before I knew it, I put the key in the ignition and got the car going.

It almost felt like I was on autopilot. My eyelids were heavy, and the highway was pretty empty. I thought I had everything under control until I heard that same voice call my name again, which made me jump. I was holding on to the steering wheel, and as I hopped with my hands still holding on to the steering wheel, I accidentally dragged the wheel to the right. I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings, I didn’t see the car speeding recklessly to my right and what should have only been a scare turned into a full-blown nasty accident. What I saw after the accident is what will stay imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I saw the whole accident while it was happening. I saw my car colliding with the other vehicle, and even worse, My foot was still on the gas, blame it on shock, and I watched it flip and crash into the exit ramp. I saw the Drunk driver get out of his car and get arrested, I saw my lifeless body, and what was even scarier, I saw and mostly felt a powerful figure next to me, staring at me. I can’t remember the face, but I do remember the brown eyes speaking to my soul. “Was it worth it?” was one of the things that no matter how hard I try, I can not get out of my mind. I remember the feeling of sincere sorrow, regret, and fear. I wasn’t ready to die, and I knew that very well, I felt it. My Mother, My little sister, and my Partner all came into my mind. The figure next to me examined me while I was having a breakdown, and I felt the empathy and rapport of this figure. As soon as I did,  all those negative feelings went away.

I woke up in the hospital with all my loved ones around. Even people who I thought did not really care for me had sent kindhearted messages to my phone. I was in a coma for 1 week. Which was crazy to me because I saw my lifeless body. I saw myself dead I was even able to describe the whole accident to my doctor. After I received physical therapy, The doctor told me I was lucky to have made a full recovery and no permanent neurological damage. They had told my family that I might not make it because of the swelling in my brain and how I was unresponsive to the treatment. Growing up, I never really attended church or thought about God. My life was intense, and I didn’t have the foundation of religion or spirituality.

My parents were too focused on their dying relationship. I used to think about it a lot as I grew up, but I was not educated on any religion, and as I grew older, my life of sin grew taller. Religion seemed imaginary, and I could not afford to live in an imaginary world. Life was hard enough to get caught up in the abstract world. After that accident, once I was cleared to go back to work, I told my boss I need Sundays off to rest. I was compelled to. To my surprise, she was more than happy to oblige. I started educating myself on different religions; none of them really seemed appealing for me personally, but I kept seeing crosses everywhere, so I assumed all this was leading me to Jesus Christ. To this day, I wonder if the figure was Jesus, but when I started researching religions, I saw that Christians believe that God and Jesus are the same, so I’m sure it was. Although I side-eye the bible every time I pick it up because of the history of it, I tried to keep an open mind. Once I did, I realized that God gave us free will, and we can not blame God for mankind. I started getting epiphanies on why God created such flawed humans. My personal belief is we are in this dimension to learn lessons and evolve. Once we have completed those lessons and have evolved, we can ascend. I now know how much wisdom is in every religious book, regardless. The Quran, The Torah, The Bible, etc.  I knew that even being able to try and change my life or try and acknowledge a higher power was a blessing. Not many people get the opportunity to receive.

Regardless of my Spiritual beliefs, I must say the fact that I got away with causing an accident has weighed heavy on my soul. Although I am a firm believer that everything we go through is by design, I’m human, and my guilty conscious started taking over my mind. I started seeing a therapist which was long overdue if you ask me. The therapist reinforced the thought that if it was not me who would have gotten into the accident, it would have been someone else. Driving drunk and Driving tired is equivalent to statistically speaking. Although I understand she was doing her job in trying to ease my guilt, I take full responsibility. Whenever I see I am not going to get enough sleep to function correctly and have an early shift the next morning, I always send a message to my Superior to weigh out my options.

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Imperfectly Perfect

I used to think that i had to be perfect or at least something close to it. I used to feel like because i knew very well that i am not perfect i had to try extra hard or alternatively hide my true self. I am so grateful for the illusion of time and the experience that my life has brought because it made me realize that i am perfect… perfectly me. Me saying that does not mean that the things that need to evolve or the things that hurt others and myself are okay. Taking accountability for faults and changing those said faults are ideal. Staying stagnant and saying “Well thats just the way i am.” is detrimental not only to yourself but to others around you. I’ve been there hey, i’m still there… but i’m over it. A new decade is about to begin and although i’m only 20 years old it does not mean i have to tolerate bullshit from myself or others. 2020 the year of bossing up and being the best version of yourself. When we really think about it though no body on this earth is perfect Only God. Something that is common knowledge but we often forget, especially with social media where illusions are normal and encouraged, whether we are aware of that or not. No matter what you personally believe we are on this earth to learn. Whether that may be lessons or knowledge (both). Life is what you make it and the fact that we have the technology to even read this post means we need to start counting our blessings and we have to stop and smell the roses. I say we because i am not better than anyone nor am i beneath anybody i am on the same journey. We are equals so lets make the most of this egocentric world and focus on the good. Easier said than done but i know that we could ❤

https://youtu.be/xnAc-rgvJTA

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Am I imagining this or is it real

Oh yes, I’m dissociating

What is real?

I’m losing my mind

In the calmest way

I don’t think I’m fine

But I’ll be okay.

My inner most thoughts

Just revealed like that

Vulnerability just sucks

I prefer that mask

A facade of neat

To cover up my weak spots

Someone tell me how to get rid of these dark thoughts

I know what I need

Some inner work indeed

This can’t be real life

This must be a dream

Or a nightmare for me cus I just can’t see

Why me why me

This victim mentality

I’ve become so used to it

A tragic normality

Some inner self work and a new mindset

Will give me the strength that I just don’t have

A walking contradiction

I confuse myself

So please bare with me

I must excuse myself

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