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Falls on me

It all falls on me

Just how you said it wouldnt be

Even tho its not entirely

It still all falls on me

Even though you may catch a thing or two

At the end all of that residue

Falls to my emotions and my mental

It all falls on me

@nocturnalxo

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Unconditional Love

From your strongest to your weakest

Ive seen you when you hit your peak and

I dont love you any less

For the time you were down

Thats why i know now

That i know love

From its smiles to its frowns

my love for you never broke in two

And even on the days when you would poke me to

erupt into flames

The love still remains

Family ties hold weight

But even if we weren’t blood related

I know life would still have had us fated

To love one another

What is love?

What is unconditional love?

It is us, it is the upbringing of trust.

@nocturnalxo

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Distractions

Distractions

Truth is i don’t feel well

Sleeping in your bed at night gives me chills

Where are you? Will you ever wake up?

I wish i could hug you and tell you to not let up

When we spoke on the phone you opened your eyes

As if my voice brought you back

Much to my surprise

I cant think too much about it because it ruins my mood

So i distract myself so that i don’t think of you.

@nocturnalxo

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An Ode To My Great Aunt

Its all hitting me at once

If i knew that was the last time i was going to see you

I would have hugged you harder and reassured my love had only gotten stronger

Even when the disease in your brain took my person away

I never forgot that shred of you that still remained, That shred of you that would take me to the park to play games

As a youngin but now id be frontin’ If i told you i cried when i heard the news

Because now as the decision to pull the plug comes closer

The tears in my eyes seem to flow with more force so

Yeah, Its all hitting me at once.

I prayed and prayed for your well state

From the minute you were diagnosed back in the 7th grade and we took you in to give you a place to stay

But i told God that this life for you is misery

Imagine if you ended up losing your memory

And now i regret it because i feel guilty like it was because of me

Like if i was in that lobby maybe i could have caught you

You told me your time was coming but i lacked to take it seriously

Your Dementia and Alzheimer’s would make you say anything

But i just want you to know that i just want your soul to glow and grow

And if you’ve reached past this mortal humanly ground than i understand if you have to go

Although i wish i could keep you around it still feels selfish somehow

90 summers you’ve lived

so safe travels if you end up with kin in the sky and tell them all that the kid said hi.

@nocturnalxo

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Loveeeeee Poem

It felt good

Just to be free

To light trees

And inhale under the covers until the clock hit 3

A sweet escape

How deep the ties were made

Traveling a total of 6 hours to much dismay

But i dont care about what the people say

When im around you all my fears tend to go away

They turn to gray

An astonishing array

And the fantasies seem to fall in place

With reality

And i almost feel like im stuck in gravity

But i know that this odyssey is going to be significant for me

@nocturnalxo

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Animosity

The animosity

Is slowly haunting me

Went from super close to you barely talking to me

Was it jealousy? Or even envy?

That built a wedge between you and me?

I dont pretend to be

The picture perfect heavenly

Girl next door like you may be

But the animosity

Feels like its haunting me

Was it my fault?

Could it have been you?

I always had love for you

You know what? i know i still do

Even though your face has switched and you showed me the real you.

@nocturnalxo

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20s Bluez

Floating away

drifting in space

Where is my place in this world

Thrown into this brand new place

Fast paced and it dont wait for nobody

Left or right?

Yes or no?

Stop or go?

It all seems real easy when you watch it on them shows

Till you look in the mirror

Ask yourself when your path will become clearer

Through the rain and the daze of steering through the pain and the things that weigh us down

Sooner or later we will all find our ways

Don’t fret or let it sweat you

Life is a gift and thats something that we all happen to forget too

@nocturnalxo

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Portal

The sky is like a portal

Figures of Swans that glide through the sky because they are immortal

Clouds that show you messages through symbols

Another world indeed

An astral dream to me

Different colors shine for the sun set

As the sun rests a deep blue sky takes over

Different shades of blue happen to spillover

Messages from the angels

Telling us that once we die thats when we live

Giving us hope for the day we crossover and reconnect with our past kids

When we reach the crossroads thats when we’ll meet again

When that deep blue sky turns to a dark shade of colors we cannot comprehend

I still know that you are present and will be there for me when i too must ascend

@nocturnalxo

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Insomnia

I aint rest

I aint sleep

Im functioning off 2 hours of sleep

Here i am

Now im not

Im traveling through different realms in my mind

The bags under my eyes look real nice to me

The night sky makes me feel so free

Sleeping during the day

Awake during the night

Nocturnal is what i am, i cannot deny

Tried to fight it

Tried to fix it

But here we are, there is no listening

Goodness gracious, here we are again

Its just like i cant get out my head

Darkness comes and takes me whole at night

Oh my

Oh my

Insomnias got my mind

All night

All night

Insomnia

Has got a hold of my mind

@nocturnalxo

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Shooting Stars Prologue

The stars sure did look bright that night. I don’t think I ever really came to the roof and just started stargazing until that night. I saw Vanessa put the bottle down in between us and lay her head on her purple pillow.

“What a view.” She muttered with a smile on her face. I moved my head to try and get real cozy.

“What if we see a shooting star?” I asked her with a grin.

“How cool would that be? I’d wish for money.” My primadonna best friend proclaims proudly. I chuckle and hesitate before sharing what I would wish for.

“Well, what about you?” Vanessa turns to me with one of her eyebrows raised

“Well.” I mockingly repeated. After I saw her gaze fixated on me I knew that she really wanted to know.

“Er, If I tell you it may not come true!” I crossed my arms and pretend like I’m really not going to tell her, knowing me, it was bound to come out.

“Oh come on, it will come true! don’t be like that.” Her puppy eyes came out as I rolled my eyes.

“I’d wish for love.” I say quietly, Vanessa does a double-take and this time she was the one rolling her eyes.

“You’re so cheesy Lei, That was real corny.” Vanessa took out the Doritos and begins munching.

“While that is true, it doesn’t matter anyway because as you can see” I pointed to the sky     “No shooting stars.”

As if a higher power was listening, seconds later the same location in the sky that I pointed to and we were both looking at was engulfed in shooting stars. Not just one but dozens of them. We turn to each other with our eyes widened, both in disbelief.

“Woah, Are we tripping?” Vanessa exclaims shock heard all over her voice.

“Not this time.” I manage to say as fast as the shooting stars came they went

“Did you even wish for anything?” I turn to her and see her eyes still glued to the night sky.

“Girl, we already made our wishes! That was crazy though.” She finally turns to look at me with a Goofy grin “I’m going to be rich!” She gets up and starts dancing. I can’t help but laugh.

“You really think so?” I ask her unconvinced “I mean I know shooting stars symbolize wishing and having your wishes come true but, you really think it will?” Vanessa stops dancing and looks me dead in my eye.

“Lei, you have to believe.”

That night was one of the most special nights of my life. It changed the trajectory of my life and of Vanessa’s life. There was magic in the air and we were blessed enough to gain from it. After we saw the shooting stars I poured my glass and her glass of wine and we toasted to the stars and the wishes. Not really knowing what would come next. We both had 10 AM classes the next morning at different universities so we called it a night early. The next day is when the magic would really come to life.

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

(Just so you all know i do indent my paragraphs but the way my site is set it… lol it doesn’t show it! So bare with me! Thank you) –@nocturnalxo

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Cry All The Time

She would cry

Cry cry

All the time

Because you left her with 2 kids

And left me with just my mind

I would see the tears fall from her eyes all the time

Because she had a fatherless son and daughter to raise

Because you couldnt find the time so she raged

She would cry

cry cry

All the time

Because you broke her heart in two and she would see the pain transmute into her daughter too

She would cry

Cry cry

All the time

Because everything she asked from you

You gave to another woman who never had to grow your seeds

And that alone just made her heart bleed

I would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i grew up feeling abandoned by the figure who was never supposed to leave me stranded, supposed to never leave my side

So i would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i got a taste of what it would have been like to have you around

And you snatched that away

And you let me down

I would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i had low self esteem because when you left her it felt like you left me

@nocturnalxo

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Vulnerable

I stay vulnerable

And its noticeable

I Wear my heart on my sleeve

Have my laundry in the streets

Dirty it seems

Give it up for peace

Since it seems to decrease

The never ending shame that used to eat me

So here i am

Transparent as ever and

I wouldnt want it any other way

Because this is my spirit

It came to lift weights

@nocturnalxo

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Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes i wish you never put hands on me

Sometimes i wish we were really meant to be

Sometimes i wish things went another way

Instead of the way it led us to today

Sometimes i dont care and im fine

Other times the PTSD blows my mind

Sometimes im good and i feel free

Other times i feel locked in the chamber of my reality

Sometimes i hate you and i know thats how its supposed to be

But the hate eats me alive its a never ending cycle of grief

Sometimes i want to betray myself and go back

Until i snap out of the desperation that i have packed

Most times i dont think about you

Most times i know that you were just another fool

Most times i know that its self harm to think about a time when you and me were warm

@nocturnalxo

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From Time

I dont know why it weighs on me heavy

Time has passed but i still feel so sweaty

When i think about you

When i think about us

I dont know about you

But i wish there was still an “us”

Deep down

Reconciliation passes through my mind like a halt at a bus stop

i know that our chapter is locked and sealed

Thrown In the past and covered with dirt and grass

But how come when i think of you my heart starts to peel

The core starts to shine

Are you sure you dont think of me from time to time?

If not then fine

I get it i cant be the one with every guy

But you

You left your mark

As the years past i dont think ill ever forget the spark

I want to let this go badly

But my heart says to look back ever so fondly

Its not healthy

So im ending this toxic fantasy

And with doing that

Hopefully i step back into reality

-nocturnalxo

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Incognito

‪What looked so sweet at first glace ‬
‪Tasted so sour after time passed ‬
‪I guess thats why you shouldnt judge a book by its cover Deceived by the green appearance of her ‬
‪The tears that formed left me warned ‬
‪To not take another bite ‬
‪Expecting something sweet ‬
‪But something bitter ended up as the surprise. ‬-nocturnalxo

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Birds

Birds start chirping

A tune that fits the flow of the earth turning

A tune so angelic the angels are yearning

To hear it every time they’re around

The birds are chirping

A tune that fits a nice summer breeze

A tune that fits the picture of ease

To hear it whenever we’re around trees

The birds are singing

A song made by divine healing

A song that only can be given

To creatures who use their wings and fly

@nocturnalxo

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Pink Cloudz

Poetic rhymes to pass the time

Passion flows as the record beholds

Symphonies that speak to me

My inspiration singing through

The muse to it all is you

Pink clouds

Share a picture about

Love

The one we all desire

The one that takes us higher

The image of you painted in the sky

A kind of image only God can create this fine

And still i stare

Still i continue to breathe the blessed air

Of hope and prosperity

Its all beautiful

Its all what it’s meant to be

@nocturnalxo

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Sky

Sky is hypnotic

The dreams felt erotic

Took a sip of that tonic

Now im floating in the ocean

Sky is so blue

Still i look back and all i think about is you

Your figure in the clouds

This obsession is wearing me out

Abstract dreams

Believe in the realm of fantasies

The sky paints a pretty picture

Of life after death and thats when ill be witcha

@nocturnalxo

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Tupac Amaru Shakur

Since a child i’ve looked up to you

your essence of charisma is what made me fall in love too

Although taboo and a little out of the ordinary

Your songs would help guide me, it is still something very extraordinary

Your words would show me to much wisdom at such a young age

You inspired me to be more than just one page

You was a deep complex dude

I could relate so much to you

Just a kind of vibe only you can provide

And i feel your heart because it feels just like mine

Although i wish you could be here

i understand that this place caused you way too many tears

So i say hello from the other side

I know you with afeni going on your joyride

To thugz mansion the place that you reside

doing your job as an angel

Just know every time i pray i say your name

Because you helped mold me

And forever in the highest regards

Thats how i will hold thee

@nocturnalxo

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Shallow

When the pool of water doesn’t reach certain depths

We aren’t able to get deep it works like that in life

Shallow streams that play make believe

Illusions of depth makes you drown in dreams

Wave after wave

Graves that we’ve paved

Conclaves that just sway

In the deepest part of the ocean

Where my darkness is buried with my emotions

where the truth is always spoken

And the motion of the ocean leaves no commotion

@nocturnalxo

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Stagnant

When the world stops

And our lives are put to a halt

We look around in hopes that quality time tops

The excessive distraught our life has taken in

Unemployment line gets longer

And the debts get stronger

Until we find a way to maintain

Some cope with drugs

Some sustain with love

Until reality kicks

And life continues to take hits

On the ones we love to bits

If you asked me how 2020 would go

I would say “oh, just like a show.”

But i thought more of good times

Instead of fear factor, times 9.

Living in fear

Low vibrational energy is near

But what can we do

When even the country’s leader is about of the crew

I hope better dayz are near

Till then we pray to lose the fear

@nocturnalxo

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Psychosis

Head pounding

Heart racing

It feels like

This isnt real.

Shadows dancing

Voices making me feel like i’ve made a deal

Like the air has been laced

And my hand is to my heart

im feeling the bass

Its Beating like drums that wont stop

Dissociation has taken over again and this time it brought locks

Am i dreaming? Did you hear that?

I dont know anymore, i just want my head back.

-@nocturnal

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Like a Cat

Nocturnal like a cat

Im fertile with my raps

A turtle is how i move

Slow and steady with the groove

Still i know that i cant take too long

Life waits for nobody

Same old song

But opportunity knocks on my door

I just have to stack up at the book store

Study study study

Seems lame when you’re young until you get hungry

And then its the only direction

Dont put all your eggs in one basket

Especially if you cant handle rejection

Life gets deep but i can go deeper

You wont see until you get put in that sleeper

@nocturnalxo

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Heritage

My ancestors were slaves

Not all but I bet you I can name their names

In a dream

For that is when they speak to me

First stop Santo Domingo

Christopher Columbus you are so evil

500 year curse is lifted

yet the after-effects still feel lethal

Why is that?

Why do I feel their pain as if I was whipped in the back?

in a world that can now be beautiful for me

Im left feeling so lost about my identity

if I stayed in the motherland

maybe I wouldn’t feel as lost as I actually am

@nocturnalxo

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Dear God

Dear God,

I love you more than anything

Without you everything would be meaningless

I know you hearing and you seeing this

I Apologize on behalf of humanity

They dont see all you do behind the scenes

But i do

And i feel you

And i know you

And i love you.

So i thank you

For saving me time after time

You love me more than i love you

You are THEE divine.

@nocturnalxo

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To Whom It May Concern

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains details of a rape.

 

When I was a freshman in college I was sexually assaulted.

I had just gotten to this small university where I was dorming and was met with a roommate who really disliked me from the jump. Ideally, I wanted to become best friends with my roommate so that line of communication would be there since we were sharing a small room. Me being a very sensitive shy person I didn’t know how to make it better so I just ended up in a little clique that was made beforehand through direct messages on social media. Those first 2 weeks I felt something I had never felt before, I felt like I fit in. The girls in the clique were fun, funny and we all for the most part had the same cultural background so we had things in common. I told myself “Cool these will be the life long friends that I’m going to make in college like everyone else who attended has.” Boy was I wrong.

With college comes drugs and liquor, that’s a given and I was ready! That’s where I went wrong. I was smoking weed every day, there wasn’t a day that I wasn’t. The school’s environment was eh because we freshman knew we had the worst dorms with the tightest supervision, I mean we couldn’t even throw real parties or else we’d get fined. But we made the most out of it by meeting and mingling with the entire co-ed building.

I used to have a type, A tall, dark, handsome basketball player so when the most attractive (in my opinion) basketball player from the team took interest in me, I was ecstatic since I was a naive hopeless romantic at the time. There was just one problem.
Before the basketball player who we will name Aaron expressed his interest, one of the girls in the clique, we’ll call her Joanna, had a crush on Aaron and lowkey had “marked her territory” on him when we were discussing all the freshman guys. Joana had a boyfriend though so she was doing it in a slick way. I couldn’t tell you her exact words but the gist was “if it doesn’t work out with my current boyfriend, this one is mine.” I won’t be able to quote direct quotes because I suppressed a lot of my memories in college but I was conflicted when she had said that. I follow the girl code strictly if a friend of mine has a crush on a guy, I won’t even look his way romantically because I don’t want to step on any toes and I understand how that can cause a rift in the friendship. So even though to me it sounded morally wrong of her to feel that way, it wasn’t my place to scold her, and I still was like okay I’m not going to shoot my shot; which is what I actually planned to do.

I was still excited when he had expressed interest because my self-esteem could have used any boost it would get at the time. I used to be painfully insecure about how I looked so that kind of validation where I’m surrounded by women I deemed prettier than me, in my eyes, was everything. I decided to come clean and tell her that Aaron had shot his shot and I actually was interested because I also had a crush. All Joana did was show me her ring and she said that she didn’t care but I felt like that wasn’t the complete truth because I recall her always talking about him in a desiring way. Either way, I took her word and began talking to Aaron.

Aaron and I had a very short-lived “romance”. The first time he wanted to hang out with me he wanted to smoke weed and then hang out in his room. Don’t get me wrong, I knew very well that it could’ve just been my first hookup at the college, but I wasn’t ready for that and I didn’t want to have sex. I made it extremely clear beforehand I said “Look, I know I’m going to your room after but I don’t want to have sex with you. At least not yet. I don’t know much about you and I’m here for us to vibe out and for us to get to know each other.” Like I said, I cannot give you the exact details due to my foggy memory of the details but I figured he respected me enough to take my word as bond. I told him that sometimes when I smoke very strong weed I tweak which means I start acting weird. Not weird like annoying but weird like disconnected and on autopilot. So I told him if I don’t feel well I’m going to go straight to my dorm afterward.

Well as foreshadow goes you already know that the weed did not affect me well and I started to disconnect. I knew I did not feel well but as if I was in a trance I walked straight to his room behind him. I remember looking up the stairs knowing I should just keep going up to my room and yet I followed because I was under the influence of a drug. When I got to his room I laid down on his bed because I was high and to Aaron, my body language was my consent.

I remember having a conversation where coercion was happening and after that, I remember kissing which I was cool with but I didn’t want things to get too intense with it so I would stop and he would be like “come on.” but to make a trauma story shorter than need be; before I knew it he was on top of me having sex with me. I remember at the start of the intercourse just laying there looking off into the distance which is something I never do while having sex. My thing was, I had told him to chill when he had pulled a condom out and I had told him to chill when he was taking off my pants, at least i think I said it out loud? I hope I did. Regardless All I know for sure is I said beforehand i did not want to have sex and I remember reinstating that notion in his dormitory vividly.

Afterward, i remember walking like a drunk person because I was still so high in total shock of what had just happened. I remember entering my dormitory just to be walking in on my roommate on FaceTime with a girl back home discussing me in a very hateful way. Basically roasting me. Reminder I was extremely high still and had just been raped. I remember wanting so bad to speak up and defend myself but I knew that my voice would break as I tried and my tears would pour. So I just laid there and heard every word, wishing it was a hallucination but knowing it wasn’t. She didn’t stop making fun of me, if anything it only got more intense once they saw I wasn’t fighting back.

After about maybe 5 minutes of hearing her nasty remarks I ended up going to see my friend group and at first, I wanted to hide it. Not tell a soul, I had just got to this college and I didn’t want to already be “that girl.” It was a label I never wanted to be.

“That girl” as in the girl who says she was raped by an athlete. A part of me had a feeling nobody would believe me because it wasn’t a traditional aggressive rape. So that was my reasoning on that thought process but the minute I stepped into the room, the girls knew something was wrong. it was visible. I was crying and they asked me what was wrong. I told them about what happened with my roommate and they comforted me but also noticed that I was crying too hard for that to be the only case. I guess I had told them I was going to hang out with Aaron and forgot I told them because they asked me how it went with him and that’s when it all came pouring out. I couldn’t hold it in because it hurt emotionally too much. I had known that even if it wasn’t “rape” in other people’s eyes that I had gotten taken advantage of for sure. So when they asked me, that’s what I told them. That I got taken advantage of. I never used the word rape to them, the girls had told me I had been raped.

So the next day when Aaron texted me I literally texted back “Was I the only person there yesterday?” As in do you not know what you did? This is when Aaron started to gaslight me into believing that I wanted it because I was wet and because I was laying down in his bed and that I was bugging out. He did it in a way that I actually believed that I had imagined that whole scene, that I had imagined my own feelings. That I was high so I was just bugging out. At that time, I had no trust in myself already that stemmed from childhood trauma, and like I said my self-esteem was low. Essentially I hated myself so I trusted his word over my own experience because I knew that weed always made me trip. Not like a psychedelic though! Anyways this is where the lines continued to blur by my doing. I continued to have sex with him, this time consensual. Obviously in secret, as I knew that I would seem like a liar. I told my friend group that I didn’t want to tell anyone about the assault and wanted to keep that information a secret. Pretty much I told them I wanted to protect him because he played basketball and I did not want to ruin his College Basketball career because I felt at fault but as we know secrets in a friend group of 5-6 people are unrealistic.

This is all happening in a 2-week time frame by the way. The girls find out I’m still having sex with Aaron and they call me in for an “intervention.” At the time I thought we were going to drink and hang out as friends but they surprised me with this “intervention” which was more like an attack and it was probably one of the cruelest things I have ever in my life been through. Till this day I can’t speak about it without tearing up and this happened almost 3 years ago.

They had told me to pull up to the dorm of one of the girls where we would all hang out which was the biggest out of all of our dorms. When I walked in I was confronted with 3 basketball players, one of those players being Aaron. Now as you can imagine, after I told them about what happened with Aaron they all had said they don’t fuck with him anymore so him being there, immediately, I knew this was a setup. I felt like Denzel Washington in training day, the king kong scene.

Although I felt like Denzel because of feeling betrayed by who I thought were my people I didn’t act like Denzel/ Alonzo at that moment. Once they started confronting me I remember trying to defend myself but not being able to because I was in shock and the tears had already begun forming. I couldn’t believe my eyes. They had set me up and they were attacking me instead of asking me without the presence of those basketball players. They made it as if I was in court and they were the judges. Made it kinda like a tv court. One girl, we’ll name her Maddie was going so hard on me telling me she wanted to fight me. Joana in particular had a lot to say, I speculate because she was jealous that his first option was me and not her and she still fantasized about being with Aaron while having a boyfriend.

Do not get me wrong I understand till this day why it got confused since I continued to have sex with the boy but looking back it was a form of stockholm syndrome. I wasn’t able to defend myself correctly because I was caught extremely off guard.

Unfortunately, due to me suppressing my memories of these times I can’t tell you specifically what was said I just remember nobody coming to my defense. The closest thing to it was one of the girls telling me that she didn’t think I would lie about something like that but if I did I was sick in the head.

Well i’ll tell you one thing after those experiences that I just shared with you, I did become sick in the head, out of the trauma it left me. I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression to a certain degree but I found my symptoms getting worse due to isolation afterwords. I might be giving that situation too much credit though because even though that was traumatic and a sad period of my life what had happened after that situation is what put the nail in the coffin on my PTSD diagnosis. That story I am not ready to share. That story will come when I am.

I’m sharing this for all the men and women, girls and boys who may fall upon my website or this blog post; just to tell you that in this world that we live in almost every woman can tell you she’s been in a situation which could be similar to or literally sexual assault. A fair share of men can say the same. To me, that is extremely scary. So when people joke about hating women or rape or when people literally treat the women in this world like literal shit I hope its understood that just like it happens to girls you don’t give a fuck about, it can happen to girls you would die for. And it might already have.

Rape isn’t inclusive to only women but I just say that because of the fact that too many women can tell their own experiences. It’s not right, It’s not okay. This world is scary and until we reset this mind state of seeing women as disposable, or even, people as disposable sex toys, the cycle of dehumanization will never end. The thing that confused me to no avail from that experience was the fact that it was girls who set up that encounter. It was girls who I had considered my friends who treated me nasty and couldn’t speak to me in private. It was girls who couldn’t understand that I had been gaslighted/ manipulated and in turn so were they because they were just tools used to keep Aaron’s reputation in tact.

Regardless of all of that, I forgive every person involved in this situation, I have never received an apology except from one of the girls in the group who felt bad for not defending me but I still forgive them all. I forgive them because I already forgave myself and the last step to complete my healing is to forgive and move on. It took me 3 years to speak out about it and to be honest I never planned to share this truth of mine. Mainly because I’m not a person who likes drama, maybe seeing it but not being involved in it. I still don’t, which is why I guess you can say I’m still protecting these people by not revealing names or information. I’m not that type of person either way.

What I learned through that situation was many lessons that in hindsight are things I already knew but I needed to bleed for the lessons to really stick
1. College Freshman boys want one thing (Sex! Duh.) *Face palm*
2. Cliques can be the most impersonal fake friendships. It’s not always like that and it depends on what bonded you together. if the reasons are shallow, don’t expect it to last.
3. No matter what listen to that inner voice. Always listen to yourself and your emotions. Never let yourself get gaslighted/manipulated into believing something didn’t happen when you experienced it/ when you saw it happen.
By writing this I’m letting this trauma go. By sharing this I’m putting it behind me, no longer attached to it.

 

(I found this article that i really relate to and brings a little more clairty into what was my situation im going to quote the paragraph and attatch the link to the article.)

Every single person experiences rape differently. Some of us hate our rapists, and some of us can’t. Sometimes people sleep with their rapists. Sometimes we date them. Sometimes we even marry them.

We seek healing in myriad ways. We don’t always find it, but we always, always deserve it.

We deserve it even when we try to heal by hurting ourselves, no matter what kind of hurt it is. Self-harm can be in the form of cuts on your thighs or orgasms on your rapist’s futon.

You can’t consent in hindsight, and no amount of sex — consensual, amazing, mind-blowing sex — you have with your rapist will erase your sexual assault. 

You could carve the letters Y-E-S into their back a billion times, but it won’t make you forget that you once didn’t get a chance to say yes.

Writer Nayyirah Waheed once wrote, “Apologize to your body. Maybe that’s where healing begins.” I try to apologize to myself for willingly entering such a confusing and harmful situation. Maybe one day I’ll stop apologizing and begin healing again.”

https://greatist.com/live/consenting-in-hindsight-why-i-slept-with-my-rapist#sex-can-be-self-harm-rapist#sex-can-be-self-harm

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I

I love myself enough

To know when enough is enough

I love myself so much

That i cant deal with the same old tired stuff

I love myself enough to know

That i am worth much more than heartbreak and scorn

I love myself enough to leave situations that always end up leaving me torn

I love myself so much so i am my number 1 pick

Im on the top of my list and nothing you say can stop this

I love myself enough to stay on my grind

And pick myself up and dust myself off time after time

I love myself so much, i really am a divine.

@nocturnalxo

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Runnin

Gotta catch my breath

Dont make the wrong step

The path to your destiny awaits

But first you gotta stop runnin, take a break.

When you look in the mirror

Do you like what you see or would you rather pull a trigger?

Look into your eyes

Are you really as bad as you depict yourself in your own mind?

Look into your eyes

Are you really content in living in a castle of lies?

Look into your heart.

Stop running you’ve reached a dead end,

Here is your brand new start.

@nocturnalxo

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Daydream

Daydream

it seems to me im lost in this life scheme

Ive taken it to the extreme

In the everyday mundane

Day dream

life never ends up how it may seem

like how it ends in the movies

Its all part of the game

Trial after trial but my daydream consists of fairytales and bridals

Rainbows and flowers

Beautiful moments that last for hours

Daydream

Life isnt always what it may seem

And i tend to get lost in what it could be

But the reality brings pain

Daydream

To manifest perhaps some good things

Would be a song that the birds sing

On a beautiful day

@nocturnalxo

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ScapeGOAT

Don’t worry about me

Worry about you

I been sleeping good but its the guilt that left me shook

As if i influenced everyone around me

I doubt it so don’t you dare doubt me

As if I’m the evil…

As if I’m the person who been primeval..?

As if i havent been on a mission of retrieval.

I guess nobody knows unless you change the tone,

And open that mouth to let it be known what you told

But im not the type to ask for credit

And maybe thats where im wrong because people do forget it

Not only that but people rewrite history in their own minds

Im not a perfect human i been there back in time

And if we didn’t have textbooks who would be able to tell this fake time?

But the truth is its all in my head

And i suffer from certain things that are better left unsaid

They told me im an open book

I said if you only knew everything that it took,

it truly would leave you shook.

They told me i belong in a hospital

I told then these tears taste sweet as sweet as the sunday gospel

They told me id never make it

Well i still aint there yet but Lord knows i aint shaken

They told me im too weird

I told them take this free homily and soon after they appeared

@nocturnalxo

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Done Dirty

The wind in the air is left sturdy

Breezing through lies that they buried

Only those eyes know the truth

Dont ever let them lie to you

Water blood dirt fire

Doesnt matter they all get higher

From watching you rise and fall

The best thing you can do is call

The last bit of love you have inside

Its a shame it took you this long to find

Whats been buried in plain sight

Even though i don’t mind i

Feel frozen in place

Because for so long i couldn’t relate

Until i really saw

Your soul it left me in awe

Bluff after bluff thats all they seem to recall

Except your eyes always told the truth it was seen in blurry truth

And now you’re left with the blood on your leaves

What can you do everyone is over it, please!

But the encore never seems to stop

They’re just waiting for your fall

Don’t make it hot.

Oh but they see

And they analyze

Always fail to truly see

That you had it but it was hidden underneath

@nocturnalxo

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Used To Be

This used to be my time

Nocturnal rhymes

Used to be the vibe

Used to be until i found out it was killin me

Used to be until i found out what was encrypted in me

Used to be

Till i saw the magic formed against me

Used to be

But now i know that this is destiny

Now i know that this is meant to be

Used to be, until i understood divine testimony

Used to be, when i didn’t really understand me

Used to be, but now i do believe in me.

Used to be, but now i dont need thee

Post to be, everything i ever dreamed of

Post to be, i believe in God and me

Post to be, love and divinity

Post to be, understanding the faults in me

Always be learning and growing C.

@nocturnalxo

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Loyalty

I’m loyal to the soil

Even when it hurts

But now I know I’m gonna put myself first

Sometimes people do

Come and go

But some you won’t forget so it’s hard to let go

With that being said

The disconnect happens when the loyalty is not to ourselves

So we end up putting our own hearts on dusty shelves

Loyalty

It starts in the mirror

As you look into your own eyes and get lost in the beautiful figure

@nocturnalxo

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Heal The World

It wasn’t our fault

And that’s what we don’t get

I did fall and I fell with many regrets

But now I’m up because I’m finally searching

Searching for my soul

It often felt like i was a burden

The pain is masked so well i forget

The pain i forget is hidden and it scars invisible to my friends

But life is a gift so we must stand tall

Yet sometimes it becomes so easy to fall

Forget about “me” look around you all

Surrounded by clouds

but the river IS flowing

And the trees will still end up growing

How can we be upset if we did not stop showing

How much we do care

For our earth in its time of despair

Although We may not like it

But forever its been unrequited

The love the earth deserves was lost

we stopped being united

So show respect for our home

Without it we are frightened

lets ignite the power of earth

The beauty it holds and show it all of its worth

Once we do that

The air will feel lighter

Once we do that

It’ll be easy to be a fighter

@nocturnalxo

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Scream Hope

I’m not going to scream

I’m not going to cry

I’m going to continue to take things one step at a time

I’m not going to freak out

Anxiety is on its way out

And all I can really say is I do wanna scream and shout! But out of happiness!

After all these years I realized my purpose and i was just masking it

Lost in the sauce of who you thought I was

Whole time I really did have it all along

HOPE

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but never grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just heavy but we must maintain

And we must stay sane

In times where we are targeted for our brains

Just a little poetic justice

I dont know about you but i hope you can trust it

As i listen to D nice and ?uest love mix it up

You know how i feel so go out and spread some love

@nocturnalxo

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Mirror

Sometimes the reflection can be painful

Sometimes we take things on because we are made to

Sometimes peace of mind is all we need

To know that things will be fine in the in between

Sometimes we react off instinct

Sometimes our dreams do die because we arent listening

Sometimes it hurts to look

But not this time because I’m giving it all it took

Most times the wrong people cling

To the message and hold on to it with bling

To talk is to walk

If i don’t walk the walk how can I talk the talk

If I don’t see the problem

How can I be the solution

I guess that’s the beauty of mystery

Mystery because we are all bruising

To smile through the pain and endure the rain

Means to keep the mirror feeling sane

To meditate not medicate might be my generations biggest struggle

If i gotta be the poster child just know they will end up

charging me with double

But im a soldier i was made from the rubble

Yet my heart beats fast so i gotta slow it down or else im stubble

@nocturnalxo

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Different Cell

Same trials, different cell

Same struggle, different hell

Same heart, different wells

Karma comes and gets it still

Protect the hearts who beat through the stain

And smile through the pain

Living life insane but its normal in the rain

@nocturnalxo

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The Unknown

Maybe I know too much

Maybe I know too little

But what I really know is that this time was meant to grow like I’m on a riddle

Not working for the people who represent hate

Because I just really can not relate

Keep looking I’ll send it right back to you

Do you really wanna get this started boo?

@nocturnalxo

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Untitled

Your eyes they never lie do they

I’ve seen you crying

I’ve been hearing it loud for 2 days

I wanna understand I want to see who’s behind that mask

I wanna see but maybe it is meant to be free

For open interpretation

We grasping for hope because this life looks so fake and

I wanna complain I really do but I think I found the real you

@nocturnalxo

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Bleeding Heart

Bleeding Heart

My heart bleeds for the love that I know is unrequited

It’s crazy to feel but fuck it I am ignited

To let go of what I cannot control is my mission

Because if I don’t I start to lose my vision

To remember is something I hope never leaves

I want to remember what it feels like to breathe

To let you go it might seem very selfish

But I had to do it for me

It’s apart of my lesson

@nocturnalxo

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Hope

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but dont grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just many experience

Can be heavy but still we must maintain

For there is always a rainbow after that rain

@nocturnalxo

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Insomnia

They say, there’s no rest for the Wicked

But is it Wickedness or Weakness ?

Word to K.Dot I’m tryna embody his uniqueness

With a splash of me in between

A Conscious Devoted Poetic Queen.

Who struggles just like you and me

I don’t got the answers Im not Sway Calloway or anyone in between

But what I will say is that I do pray that my Homicidal Toxicity

Soon lifts up out and turns to grey

My spirit wants to sleep but the insomnia wants to shout

My soul wants to leap but the weed wants to pout

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Overactive mind but I wanna tweet

Something deep inside needs to switch sides

Because I’m over it, I’m on Summer Walkers line

Lord knows I need some peace of mind, this shit really ain’t it

Shout out to Lauryn Hill that woman is a dime

But back to the point I need to slow down my membrane

I’d be damned if Once again I’m back with the insanes

Lord give me some guidance because I’m feeling lost

I don’t know what happened

If only they knew just how far the darkness seeps through

But I cover it up real nice

Fuck around put it on a bow tie it twice

It’s better off this way sometimes

I think Atleast, anyway

Regardless of it all Ima still be ok.

@nocturnalxo

Side Note: The music I add at the end of my works usually embody the energy for it. Or the song inspired me so I’m giving it credit and showing luv ❤️

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Problem Child

Just take another pill

Shit I feel like you will

Cus the way that last one left you really didn’t fill any pain you don’t want to feel

I don’t know how it got to this

Recreational pleasures turned to taking it regardless of the deadly consequence

And trust me I haven’t even lost my senses

Not yet atleast because at the pace I’m going ima just give it about 2 weeks.

Tears in my eyes I’m so confused inside

What does this life mean? What is it supposed to be?

The game of life to me seems like torture

A hell created specifically for us

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

I Had my first real heart break at 5

15 years later it’s feels hard to be alive

Not because of that, it happens to many

But because of the cards I’ve been dealt with

I feel like I’ve suffered plenty

And so the pain, it has layers.

Because I’ve covered it up with bandaids and left it to be cleaned up for later

How can I cope? Pick up some dope

How can I feel good inside ? Pick up those pills and fly

How can I go numb? succumb to the Henny and come

To the land of Euphoria

That’s the story for ya

Dark Twisted & Sick.

I’ll never say it aloud but that’s the road I’m headed in

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Sun & Moon

The sun is setting

So the moon can rise

Both on opposite sides yet they still do shine

In different ways for the sun will blind you with its rays

While the moon simply illuminates

Oh what a love story

Still told till this day

Dimming your light so others can shine bright

So every dawn the moon would die

So the sun could shine it’s radiating ray lights

And when the sun would set

The moon comes in luminous so no one would fret

For there’s always a light to look forward to

If it wasn’t for the sun, would the moon shine so bright?

If the only reason the moon gives you moonlight is that the sun reflects its daylight

A dynamic duo

Taboo love but it’s as determined as Pluto

And maybe when we’ve reached the end of time, the two bright lights can collide

In an ideal world perhaps

Until then

they’ll steal glances from dawn to dusk

the love they share would just entirely run amuck

so in a way, it’s all okay

everything has its time, maybe one day

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Happy Sunday

Sunshine is strictly my mission

To live every day with only one condition

To thank God for the fact that I woke up while other bodies weren’t in that position

To smile every day and train my mind to be grateful that I have risen

I say that because i don’t want to live in a pessimistic prison

Listen! Because the darkness is quick to devour

The darkness can sometimes easily over power

But yes while living in complete reality

As a realist is ideal

I will still try to keep the rose tinted glasses on

That’s how I feel

Because living in misery just feels wrong

Growing with positivity reigning on my soul positivity like the sun that encourages me to continue to grow

Yet still, there is pain and disappointments that can be felt every day

I know it’s a cliche, but that won’t stop me from saying

The sun rises after every long night

Be that sun that gets up after every moonlight

Your psyche determines a lot of things

Determines if you’ll forever see that bad or let freedom ring

Free your mind of the enslavement it can go through sometimes

Let it bring the fertilizer to reign in

Breathe that fresh air and feel that sun because this life ain’t too generous to some

It’s the little things that will continue to keep us going

So don’t stop now because your path is still unfolding

Live in the now

Think with the sun

And walk to the sky

Nothing is impossible in the life we live, so try

@nocturnalxo

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Poetry Is For

Poetry is for the unexpressed souls

Poetry is for the creatives that need the juice to flow

Poetry is for the hearts that need healing

Poetry is for the minds to decipher the meaning

Poetry is for love and heart

Mind and street smarts

Poetry is for the soul like fertilizer for the creative planting hole

Like the sun that washes away all of the rainy tears we experience in multiple ways

Or the moon that illuminates the dark we fear

Poetry is for the song that must be sung

Or the heart that needs the alarm to be rung

For different perspectives on life

Poetry is for you and I and all peoples of every walk of life

Whether we create it as our mission

Or we read it just so our spirit can listen

Whether we spit it so the ground can tremble

Or we hear it so the chills can continue through our vessels

It’s an art that requires soul

An art that requires empathy to unfold

It’s not about the rhyme scheme

Or the similes, metaphors or double entendres 

And although all that adds to the beauty

It’s the message and how it’s delivered

That makes others shiver

So next time you hear it or read it maybe even write it or deal it

Just realize the power of words

Others will try to belittle it

But the power of being heard

Is a power we all desire

We have it in our hands, our hearts and mind’s eye

so be sure to thank your higher power 

⁃ @nocturnal

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Let Me Be Your Favorite Nightmare

Love

It came so easily

But was it love or just lust that I accepted

Which was the frequency?

Never mind that because although the love you gave did end up pleasing me

Still

Something was missing, my usual carefree spirit was wheezing for air

As if you sucked it all out of me and left me without a care

As if I give and give and give

And I live to forgive then relive

But to see your highs while I stay low

A leech you are

Protected by your costume of snow

In the moment it’s bliss

When I look back I reminisce

On how I missed out on an equal give and take

Choosing someone who I knew would end up giving me heartache

All for something that felt good but when I wake up I see it was all fake

I see past the desire of feeling love

It’s all about you, it always was

The most beautiful boogeyman

Stuck on your looks and I really should have looked passed that

You were my favorite nightmare but for what?

It’s just a fact that it was all For a quick fuck and a trip to the land of unseen

I’ll tell you what

Tonight, I’ll see you again in my dreams

@nocturnalxo

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Speed Law

J wants to die she’s working on dying before her time

What can you do

She takes those pills it’s fucking with more than just her mind

What can you say

Has so much potential but wastes it on cheap thrills

Doesn’t see too far ahead she’s stuck on the mundane wheel

When everyone sees her, they see a star in the making

But the way she’s followed the trend makes them feel like they’re sadly mistaken

J just wants to fill an empty hole that her reality isn’t giving

J isn’t a bad person she’s just fallen victim to the hood life she’s been living

Once j wakes up and realizes health is wealth

Once j wakes up and realizes drugs and substance won’t bring you strength

Once she sees it’s all in the books that she reads and the knowledge that will help her live her vivid dreams

Once she sees there’s more to life than fast cars and the newest EP

Once she sees that the family and friends around her are blessings amongst other things

Once she starts smelling the roses and learns this lesson

The manifestation will start rolling, and there won’t be so much stressing

But who am I to speak?

I’m just an observer watching my friend slowly bring on an early peak

It hurts to see but addressing it is hard because it’s depressing to hear about all of her scars

Knowing all I can do is listen

Can’t make any actions for her that’s her own mission

Nobody’s perfect I would never judge her for giving in to the unhealthy frisson

I just wish one day she complies and sees the real vision

I pray she gets out of that mental prison and all the self sins she made on herself she’s able to look at herself and be forgiven

Nobody’s perfect! I’m not a saint

And the way it’s easy to be a victim to substance abuse should make us all say …

”Hold up, wait.”

The youth must wake up and realize the war on drugs is personal

It’s not the same as it was back then It’s actually way less merciful

In the fact that it’s gotten stronger chemicals in it that will make your high last longer

It’s not innocent and if you’re not grounded

It’ll leave you in false imprisonments

In your mind

So never depend

Never look at it as a friend.

Never think that it’s a problem solver

Because next time you look, you’re playing Russian roulette  with a gun revolver

⁃ @nocturalxo

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