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grief nocturnalxo

Mama Patria

my second mother

my right when I’m wrong

my good conscious because yours was so strong

so much of me i got from you

because you were just another mother to me too

Raising me like you raised your own

because that was just you

That motherly feeling ran in your bones

i lived with you since i was 5 years old

and wow i saw why every one loves your soul

Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good

the best role model cus we all wish we could

Live up to who you were and who you still are

Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star

I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in

That you were really my grandma

you were really my kin

The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because

i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side

A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise

but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye

Because we are all just so sad

Even though it was 93 years,

thats the touch you had

Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you

but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you

I’ll do it for us

just know you can trust.

I won’t let you down

Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown

Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time

i wish you could have heard me rhyme

But that’s alright and its okay

Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey

The presence might seem gone but i know

life is more then what meets the eyes

you probably sitting in the back of this place

With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways

Cus you was cool like that

Thats how i will remember you

As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat

So rest now because this earth was never your home

too pure to be in this kind of zone

Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure

but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here

And i thank you for being our new angel

Ill try my best to bear

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

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Changing The Tone Of My Website

Hey everyone, so for the past year i’ve just been blogging my poetry and i still want to every now and then but i also want to focus more on actual blog posts and short stories. Short stories so that i can work on and eventually perfect my fiction writing craft. So just giving you all an update, i plan on publishing a poetry book soon so look out for that. Thank you all for supporting this regular degular imperfect shorty from the bronx. One love. ❤

-nocturnalxo 😉

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Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

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This Too Shall Pass

Put a brave face on

And act like you’re strong

Even though your lungs would rather scream a song

That conveys all the emotions that sway

And that leaves you feeling disarrayed

Pray that there in fact will be better days

And all this stress will soon wash away

And once be a memory of the time when you were destined to be uncomfortable

So you could mold and grow into the flower that was meant to bloom

This too shall pass.

@nocturnalxo

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Like A Drug

You’re like a drug

Graceful like a dove

Grateful for your love

Addictive to the T

But still you’re good for me

Dont know if it will last

And even if it doesn’t its nice to just bask

In the feeling of us

I hope its not just lust

To let things flow is hard for me

Yet you make it so easy to just be

You’re like a drug

Except it feels like a healthy nug

A breath of fresh air

A light that shines in my despair

You just happen to be so rare.

@nocturnalxo

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Haunted

Im haunted by my thoughts of you

I have no idea what im supposed to do

My memories get vivid and it dilutes me to

Negative thinking and depressive moods

I know that everything is alright

But the flashbacks get vivid especially at night

I know its just my mind

But i wish i knew how to calm it at times.

@nocturnalxo

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If only

If only i was a healer who could magically heal with my hands

Id take away all your pain

Id even have you get up and dance

If only i was an angel who could have told you it was coming

I would have told you and id make sure it wouldnt become your shortcoming

If only i was a time traveler that could travel to the past

Id cherish those moments, id make them all last

@nocturnalxo

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Falls on me

It all falls on me

Just how you said it wouldnt be

Even tho its not entirely

It still all falls on me

Even though you may catch a thing or two

At the end all of that residue

Falls to my emotions and my mental

It all falls on me

@nocturnalxo