Runnin

Gotta catch my breath

Dont make the wrong step

The path to your destiny awaits

But first you gotta stop runnin, take a break.

When you look in the mirror

Do you like what you see or would you rather pull a trigger?

Look into your eyes

Are you really as bad as you depict yourself in your own mind?

Look into your eyes

Are you really content in living in a castle of lies?

Look into your heart.

Stop running you’ve reached a dead end,

Here is your brand new start.

@nocturnalxo

Hope

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but dont grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just many experience

Can be heavy but still we must maintain

For there is always a rainbow after that rain

@nocturnalxo

Speed Law

J wants to die she’s working on dying before her time

What can you do

She takes those pills it’s fucking with more than just her mind

What can you say

Has so much potential but wastes it on cheap thrills

Doesn’t see too far ahead she’s stuck on the mundane wheel

When everyone sees her, they see a star in the making

But the way she’s followed the trend makes them feel like they’re sadly mistaken

J just wants to fill an empty hole that her reality isn’t giving

J isn’t a bad person she’s just fallen victim to the hood life she’s been living

Once j wakes up and realizes health is wealth

Once j wakes up and realizes drugs and substance won’t bring you strength

Once she sees it’s all in the books that she reads and the knowledge that will help her live her vivid dreams

Once she sees there’s more to life than fast cars and the newest EP

Once she sees that the family and friends around her are blessings amongst other things

Once she starts smelling the roses and learns this lesson

The manifestation will start rolling, and there won’t be so much stressing

But who am I to speak?

I’m just an observer watching my friend slowly bring on an early peak

It hurts to see but addressing it is hard because it’s depressing to hear about all of her scars

Knowing all I can do is listen

Can’t make any actions for her that’s her own mission

Nobody’s perfect I would never judge her for giving in to the unhealthy frisson

I just wish one day she complies and sees the real vision

I pray she gets out of that mental prison and all the self sins she made on herself she’s able to look at herself and be forgiven

Nobody’s perfect! I’m not a saint

And the way it’s easy to be a victim to substance abuse should make us all say …

”Hold up, wait.”

The youth must wake up and realize the war on drugs is personal

It’s not the same as it was back then It’s actually way less merciful

In the fact that it’s gotten stronger chemicals in it that will make your high last longer

It’s not innocent and if you’re not grounded

It’ll leave you in false imprisonments

In your mind

So never depend

Never look at it as a friend.

Never think that it’s a problem solver

Because next time you look, you’re playing Russian roulette  with a gun revolver

⁃ @nocturalxo

Breaking Free

The walls around me were white

My soul felt trapped

airtight

Flashbacks of my first day

Did they really leave me here to stay?

I glanced to my left and then to my right

“You don’t belong here, you better fight”

Voices rang my eyes dropped as low as they can

I did belong, I just wasn’t well

Spirit on low, thoughts that you’ll never know

Visions of what my life could be

Was it true or was it all just a fantasy?

Misconceptions all day

I couldn’t believe I had let this get to my brain

I just wanted to escape but I knew this was my place for the time being

I wrote and wrote and wrote

Until my heart felt less broke

And once It did I looked in the mirror

Reflection looked extremely unfamiliar

Fore I was so used to the sadness

It’s almost as if I had lost all of my balance

But I knew deep down I was there

I just couldn’t see it, I barely cared

It took some time but I recovered

I didn’t lose anything I only uncovered

Deeper layers of myself

Journal writing was my help including God

All I did was write I took that pen as my fight

I’m better now than I was back then

Because I learned how to be my own bestfriend

How to love myself unconditionally

It’s a struggle still but I consistently

Try and try and try

That’s all we can do and sometimes I

Still slip up, I still fall down

As long as I pick myself up for the next time around

I will persevere as long as I stand my ground

As long as I don’t forget and I know my worth

No more tears and no more hurt.

@nocturnalxo

Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo

Am I imagining this or is it real

Oh yes, I’m dissociating

What is real?

I’m losing my mind

In the calmest way

I don’t think I’m fine

But I’ll be okay.

My inner most thoughts

Just revealed like that

Vulnerability just sucks

I prefer that mask

A facade of neat

To cover up my weak spots

Someone tell me how to get rid of these dark thoughts

I know what I need

Some inner work indeed

This can’t be real life

This must be a dream

Or a nightmare for me cus I just can’t see

Why me why me

This victim mentality

I’ve become so used to it

A tragic normality

Some inner self work and a new mindset

Will give me the strength that I just don’t have

A walking contradiction

I confuse myself

So please bare with me

I must excuse myself

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