Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Mama Patria

my second mother

my right when I’m wrong

my good conscious because yours was so strong

so much of me i got from you

because you were just another mother to me too

Raising me like you raised your own

because that was just you

That motherly feeling ran in your bones

i lived with you since i was 5 years old

and wow i saw why every one loves your soul

Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good

the best role model cus we all wish we could

Live up to who you were and who you still are

Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star

I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in

That you were really my grandma

you were really my kin

The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because

i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side

A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise

but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye

Because we are all just so sad

Even though it was 93 years,

thats the touch you had

Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you

but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you

I’ll do it for us

just know you can trust.

I won’t let you down

Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown

Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time

i wish you could have heard me rhyme

But that’s alright and its okay

Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey

The presence might seem gone but i know

life is more then what meets the eyes

you probably sitting in the back of this place

With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways

Cus you was cool like that

Thats how i will remember you

As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat

So rest now because this earth was never your home

too pure to be in this kind of zone

Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure

but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here

And i thank you for being our new angel

Ill try my best to bear

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

An Ode To My Great Aunt

Its all hitting me at once

If i knew that was the last time i was going to see you

I would have hugged you harder and reassured my love had only gotten stronger

Even when the disease in your brain took my person away

I never forgot that shred of you that still remained, That shred of you that would take me to the park to play games

As a youngin but now id be frontin’ If i told you i cried when i heard the news

Because now as the decision to pull the plug comes closer

The tears in my eyes seem to flow with more force so

Yeah, Its all hitting me at once.

I prayed and prayed for your well state

From the minute you were diagnosed back in the 7th grade and we took you in to give you a place to stay

But i told God that this life for you is misery

Imagine if you ended up losing your memory

And now i regret it because i feel guilty like it was because of me

Like if i was in that lobby maybe i could have caught you

You told me your time was coming but i lacked to take it seriously

Your Dementia and Alzheimer’s would make you say anything

But i just want you to know that i just want your soul to glow and grow

And if you’ve reached past this mortal humanly ground than i understand if you have to go

Although i wish i could keep you around it still feels selfish somehow

90 summers you’ve lived

so safe travels if you end up with kin in the sky and tell them all that the kid said hi.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Cry All The Time

She would cry

Cry cry

All the time

Because you left her with 2 kids

And left me with just my mind

I would see the tears fall from her eyes all the time

Because she had a fatherless son and daughter to raise

Because you couldnt find the time so she raged

She would cry

cry cry

All the time

Because you broke her heart in two and she would see the pain transmute into her daughter too

She would cry

Cry cry

All the time

Because everything she asked from you

You gave to another woman who never had to grow your seeds

And that alone just made her heart bleed

I would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i grew up feeling abandoned by the figure who was never supposed to leave me stranded, supposed to never leave my side

So i would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i got a taste of what it would have been like to have you around

And you snatched that away

And you let me down

I would cry

Cry cry all the time

Because i had low self esteem because when you left her it felt like you left me

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Vulnerable

I stay vulnerable

And its noticeable

I Wear my heart on my sleeve

Have my laundry in the streets

Dirty it seems

Give it up for peace

Since it seems to decrease

The never ending shame that used to eat me

So here i am

Transparent as ever and

I wouldnt want it any other way

Because this is my spirit

It came to lift weights

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo

Psychosis

Head pounding

Heart racing

It feels like

This isnt real.

Shadows dancing

Voices making me feel like i’ve made a deal

Like the air has been laced

And my hand is to my heart

im feeling the bass

Its Beating like drums that wont stop

Dissociation has taken over again and this time it brought locks

Am i dreaming? Did you hear that?

I dont know anymore, i just want my head back.

-@nocturnal

Categories
Uncategorized

To Whom It May Concern

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains details of a rape.

 

When I was a freshman in college I was sexually assaulted.

I had just gotten to this small university where I was dorming and was met with a roommate who really disliked me from the jump. Ideally, I wanted to become best friends with my roommate so that line of communication would be there since we were sharing a small room. Me being a very sensitive shy person I didn’t know how to make it better so I just ended up in a little clique that was made beforehand through direct messages on social media. Those first 2 weeks I felt something I had never felt before, I felt like I fit in. The girls in the clique were fun, funny and we all for the most part had the same cultural background so we had things in common. I told myself “Cool these will be the life long friends that I’m going to make in college like everyone else who attended has.” Boy was I wrong.

With college comes drugs and liquor, that’s a given and I was ready! That’s where I went wrong. I was smoking weed every day, there wasn’t a day that I wasn’t. The school’s environment was eh because we freshman knew we had the worst dorms with the tightest supervision, I mean we couldn’t even throw real parties or else we’d get fined. But we made the most out of it by meeting and mingling with the entire co-ed building.

I used to have a type, A tall, dark, handsome basketball player so when the most attractive (in my opinion) basketball player from the team took interest in me, I was ecstatic since I was a naive hopeless romantic at the time. There was just one problem.
Before the basketball player who we will name Aaron expressed his interest, one of the girls in the clique, we’ll call her Joanna, had a crush on Aaron and lowkey had “marked her territory” on him when we were discussing all the freshman guys. Joana had a boyfriend though so she was doing it in a slick way. I couldn’t tell you her exact words but the gist was “if it doesn’t work out with my current boyfriend, this one is mine.” I won’t be able to quote direct quotes because I suppressed a lot of my memories in college but I was conflicted when she had said that. I follow the girl code strictly if a friend of mine has a crush on a guy, I won’t even look his way romantically because I don’t want to step on any toes and I understand how that can cause a rift in the friendship. So even though to me it sounded morally wrong of her to feel that way, it wasn’t my place to scold her, and I still was like okay I’m not going to shoot my shot; which is what I actually planned to do.

I was still excited when he had expressed interest because my self-esteem could have used any boost it would get at the time. I used to be painfully insecure about how I looked so that kind of validation where I’m surrounded by women I deemed prettier than me, in my eyes, was everything. I decided to come clean and tell her that Aaron had shot his shot and I actually was interested because I also had a crush. All Joana did was show me her ring and she said that she didn’t care but I felt like that wasn’t the complete truth because I recall her always talking about him in a desiring way. Either way, I took her word and began talking to Aaron.

Aaron and I had a very short-lived “romance”. The first time he wanted to hang out with me he wanted to smoke weed and then hang out in his room. Don’t get me wrong, I knew very well that it could’ve just been my first hookup at the college, but I wasn’t ready for that and I didn’t want to have sex. I made it extremely clear beforehand I said “Look, I know I’m going to your room after but I don’t want to have sex with you. At least not yet. I don’t know much about you and I’m here for us to vibe out and for us to get to know each other.” Like I said, I cannot give you the exact details due to my foggy memory of the details but I figured he respected me enough to take my word as bond. I told him that sometimes when I smoke very strong weed I tweak which means I start acting weird. Not weird like annoying but weird like disconnected and on autopilot. So I told him if I don’t feel well I’m going to go straight to my dorm afterward.

Well as foreshadow goes you already know that the weed did not affect me well and I started to disconnect. I knew I did not feel well but as if I was in a trance I walked straight to his room behind him. I remember looking up the stairs knowing I should just keep going up to my room and yet I followed because I was under the influence of a drug. When I got to his room I laid down on his bed because I was high and to Aaron, my body language was my consent.

I remember having a conversation where coercion was happening and after that, I remember kissing which I was cool with but I didn’t want things to get too intense with it so I would stop and he would be like “come on.” but to make a trauma story shorter than need be; before I knew it he was on top of me having sex with me. I remember at the start of the intercourse just laying there looking off into the distance which is something I never do while having sex. My thing was, I had told him to chill when he had pulled a condom out and I had told him to chill when he was taking off my pants, at least i think I said it out loud? I hope I did. Regardless All I know for sure is I said beforehand i did not want to have sex and I remember reinstating that notion in his dormitory vividly.

Afterward, i remember walking like a drunk person because I was still so high in total shock of what had just happened. I remember entering my dormitory just to be walking in on my roommate on FaceTime with a girl back home discussing me in a very hateful way. Basically roasting me. Reminder I was extremely high still and had just been raped. I remember wanting so bad to speak up and defend myself but I knew that my voice would break as I tried and my tears would pour. So I just laid there and heard every word, wishing it was a hallucination but knowing it wasn’t. She didn’t stop making fun of me, if anything it only got more intense once they saw I wasn’t fighting back.

After about maybe 5 minutes of hearing her nasty remarks I ended up going to see my friend group and at first, I wanted to hide it. Not tell a soul, I had just got to this college and I didn’t want to already be “that girl.” It was a label I never wanted to be.

“That girl” as in the girl who says she was raped by an athlete. A part of me had a feeling nobody would believe me because it wasn’t a traditional aggressive rape. So that was my reasoning on that thought process but the minute I stepped into the room, the girls knew something was wrong. it was visible. I was crying and they asked me what was wrong. I told them about what happened with my roommate and they comforted me but also noticed that I was crying too hard for that to be the only case. I guess I had told them I was going to hang out with Aaron and forgot I told them because they asked me how it went with him and that’s when it all came pouring out. I couldn’t hold it in because it hurt emotionally too much. I had known that even if it wasn’t “rape” in other people’s eyes that I had gotten taken advantage of for sure. So when they asked me, that’s what I told them. That I got taken advantage of. I never used the word rape to them, the girls had told me I had been raped.

So the next day when Aaron texted me I literally texted back “Was I the only person there yesterday?” As in do you not know what you did? This is when Aaron started to gaslight me into believing that I wanted it because I was wet and because I was laying down in his bed and that I was bugging out. He did it in a way that I actually believed that I had imagined that whole scene, that I had imagined my own feelings. That I was high so I was just bugging out. At that time, I had no trust in myself already that stemmed from childhood trauma, and like I said my self-esteem was low. Essentially I hated myself so I trusted his word over my own experience because I knew that weed always made me trip. Not like a psychedelic though! Anyways this is where the lines continued to blur by my doing. I continued to have sex with him, this time consensual. Obviously in secret, as I knew that I would seem like a liar. I told my friend group that I didn’t want to tell anyone about the assault and wanted to keep that information a secret. Pretty much I told them I wanted to protect him because he played basketball and I did not want to ruin his College Basketball career because I felt at fault but as we know secrets in a friend group of 5-6 people are unrealistic.

This is all happening in a 2-week time frame by the way. The girls find out I’m still having sex with Aaron and they call me in for an “intervention.” At the time I thought we were going to drink and hang out as friends but they surprised me with this “intervention” which was more like an attack and it was probably one of the cruelest things I have ever in my life been through. Till this day I can’t speak about it without tearing up and this happened almost 3 years ago.

They had told me to pull up to the dorm of one of the girls where we would all hang out which was the biggest out of all of our dorms. When I walked in I was confronted with 3 basketball players, one of those players being Aaron. Now as you can imagine, after I told them about what happened with Aaron they all had said they don’t fuck with him anymore so him being there, immediately, I knew this was a setup. I felt like Denzel Washington in training day, the king kong scene.

Although I felt like Denzel because of feeling betrayed by who I thought were my people I didn’t act like Denzel/ Alonzo at that moment. Once they started confronting me I remember trying to defend myself but not being able to because I was in shock and the tears had already begun forming. I couldn’t believe my eyes. They had set me up and they were attacking me instead of asking me without the presence of those basketball players. They made it as if I was in court and they were the judges. Made it kinda like a tv court. One girl, we’ll name her Maddie was going so hard on me telling me she wanted to fight me. Joana in particular had a lot to say, I speculate because she was jealous that his first option was me and not her and she still fantasized about being with Aaron while having a boyfriend.

Do not get me wrong I understand till this day why it got confused since I continued to have sex with the boy but looking back it was a form of stockholm syndrome. I wasn’t able to defend myself correctly because I was caught extremely off guard.

Unfortunately, due to me suppressing my memories of these times I can’t tell you specifically what was said I just remember nobody coming to my defense. The closest thing to it was one of the girls telling me that she didn’t think I would lie about something like that but if I did I was sick in the head.

Well i’ll tell you one thing after those experiences that I just shared with you, I did become sick in the head, out of the trauma it left me. I’ve always dealt with anxiety and depression to a certain degree but I found my symptoms getting worse due to isolation afterwords. I might be giving that situation too much credit though because even though that was traumatic and a sad period of my life what had happened after that situation is what put the nail in the coffin on my PTSD diagnosis. That story I am not ready to share. That story will come when I am.

I’m sharing this for all the men and women, girls and boys who may fall upon my website or this blog post; just to tell you that in this world that we live in almost every woman can tell you she’s been in a situation which could be similar to or literally sexual assault. A fair share of men can say the same. To me, that is extremely scary. So when people joke about hating women or rape or when people literally treat the women in this world like literal shit I hope its understood that just like it happens to girls you don’t give a fuck about, it can happen to girls you would die for. And it might already have.

Rape isn’t inclusive to only women but I just say that because of the fact that too many women can tell their own experiences. It’s not right, It’s not okay. This world is scary and until we reset this mind state of seeing women as disposable, or even, people as disposable sex toys, the cycle of dehumanization will never end. The thing that confused me to no avail from that experience was the fact that it was girls who set up that encounter. It was girls who I had considered my friends who treated me nasty and couldn’t speak to me in private. It was girls who couldn’t understand that I had been gaslighted/ manipulated and in turn so were they because they were just tools used to keep Aaron’s reputation in tact.

Regardless of all of that, I forgive every person involved in this situation, I have never received an apology except from one of the girls in the group who felt bad for not defending me but I still forgive them all. I forgive them because I already forgave myself and the last step to complete my healing is to forgive and move on. It took me 3 years to speak out about it and to be honest I never planned to share this truth of mine. Mainly because I’m not a person who likes drama, maybe seeing it but not being involved in it. I still don’t, which is why I guess you can say I’m still protecting these people by not revealing names or information. I’m not that type of person either way.

What I learned through that situation was many lessons that in hindsight are things I already knew but I needed to bleed for the lessons to really stick
1. College Freshman boys want one thing (Sex! Duh.) *Face palm*
2. Cliques can be the most impersonal fake friendships. It’s not always like that and it depends on what bonded you together. if the reasons are shallow, don’t expect it to last.
3. No matter what listen to that inner voice. Always listen to yourself and your emotions. Never let yourself get gaslighted/manipulated into believing something didn’t happen when you experienced it/ when you saw it happen.
By writing this I’m letting this trauma go. By sharing this I’m putting it behind me, no longer attached to it.

 

(I found this article that i really relate to and brings a little more clairty into what was my situation im going to quote the paragraph and attatch the link to the article.)

Every single person experiences rape differently. Some of us hate our rapists, and some of us can’t. Sometimes people sleep with their rapists. Sometimes we date them. Sometimes we even marry them.

We seek healing in myriad ways. We don’t always find it, but we always, always deserve it.

We deserve it even when we try to heal by hurting ourselves, no matter what kind of hurt it is. Self-harm can be in the form of cuts on your thighs or orgasms on your rapist’s futon.

You can’t consent in hindsight, and no amount of sex — consensual, amazing, mind-blowing sex — you have with your rapist will erase your sexual assault. 

You could carve the letters Y-E-S into their back a billion times, but it won’t make you forget that you once didn’t get a chance to say yes.

Writer Nayyirah Waheed once wrote, “Apologize to your body. Maybe that’s where healing begins.” I try to apologize to myself for willingly entering such a confusing and harmful situation. Maybe one day I’ll stop apologizing and begin healing again.”

https://greatist.com/live/consenting-in-hindsight-why-i-slept-with-my-rapist#sex-can-be-self-harm-rapist#sex-can-be-self-harm

Categories
nocturnalxo

Runnin

Gotta catch my breath

Dont make the wrong step

The path to your destiny awaits

But first you gotta stop runnin, take a break.

When you look in the mirror

Do you like what you see or would you rather pull a trigger?

Look into your eyes

Are you really as bad as you depict yourself in your own mind?

Look into your eyes

Are you really content in living in a castle of lies?

Look into your heart.

Stop running you’ve reached a dead end,

Here is your brand new start.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Used To Be

This used to be my time

Nocturnal rhymes

Used to be the vibe

Used to be until i found out it was killin me

Used to be until i found out what was encrypted in me

Used to be

Till i saw the magic formed against me

Used to be

But now i know that this is destiny

Now i know that this is meant to be

Used to be, until i understood divine testimony

Used to be, when i didn’t really understand me

Used to be, but now i do believe in me.

Used to be, but now i dont need thee

Post to be, everything i ever dreamed of

Post to be, i believe in God and me

Post to be, love and divinity

Post to be, understanding the faults in me

Always be learning and growing C.

@nocturnalxo