The Unknown

Maybe I know too much

Maybe I know too little

But what I really know is that this time was meant to grow like I’m on a riddle

Not working for the people who represent hate

Because I just really can not relate

Keep looking I’ll send it right back to you

Do you really wanna get this started boo?

@nocturnalxo

Untitled

Your eyes they never lie do they

I’ve seen you crying

I’ve been hearing it loud for 2 days

I wanna understand I want to see who’s behind that mask

I wanna see but maybe it is meant to be free

For open interpretation

We grasping for hope because this life looks so fake and

I wanna complain I really do but I think I found the real you

@nocturnalxo

Bleeding Heart

Bleeding Heart

My heart bleeds for the love that I know is unrequited

It’s crazy to feel but fuck it I am ignited

To let go of what I cannot control is my mission

Because if I don’t I start to lose my vision

To remember is something I hope never leaves

I want to remember what it feels like to breathe

To let you go it might seem very selfish

But I had to do it for me

It’s apart of my lesson

@nocturnalxo

Hope

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but dont grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just many experience

Can be heavy but still we must maintain

For there is always a rainbow after that rain

@nocturnalxo

Problem Child

Just take another pill

Shit I feel like you will

Cus the way that last one left you really didn’t fill any pain you don’t want to feel

I don’t know how it got to this

Recreational pleasures turned to taking it regardless of the deadly consequence

And trust me I haven’t even lost my senses

Not yet atleast because at the pace I’m going ima just give it about 2 weeks.

Tears in my eyes I’m so confused inside

What does this life mean? What is it supposed to be?

The game of life to me seems like torture

A hell created specifically for us

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

I Had my first real heart break at 5

15 years later it’s feels hard to be alive

Not because of that, it happens to many

But because of the cards I’ve been dealt with

I feel like I’ve suffered plenty

And so the pain, it has layers.

Because I’ve covered it up with bandaids and left it to be cleaned up for later

How can I cope? Pick up some dope

How can I feel good inside ? Pick up those pills and fly

How can I go numb? succumb to the Henny and come

To the land of Euphoria

That’s the story for ya

Dark Twisted & Sick.

I’ll never say it aloud but that’s the road I’m headed in

Happy Sunday

Sunshine is strictly my mission

To live every day with only one condition

To thank God for the fact that I woke up while other bodies weren’t in that position

To smile every day and train my mind to be grateful that I have risen

I say that because i don’t want to live in a pessimistic prison

Listen! Because the darkness is quick to devour

The darkness can sometimes easily over power

But yes while living in complete reality

As a realist is ideal

I will still try to keep the rose tinted glasses on

That’s how I feel

Because living in misery just feels wrong

Growing with positivity reigning on my soul positivity like the sun that encourages me to continue to grow

Yet still, there is pain and disappointments that can be felt every day

I know it’s a cliche, but that won’t stop me from saying

The sun rises after every long night

Be that sun that gets up after every moonlight

Your psyche determines a lot of things

Determines if you’ll forever see that bad or let freedom ring

Free your mind of the enslavement it can go through sometimes

Let it bring the fertilizer to reign in

Breathe that fresh air and feel that sun because this life ain’t too generous to some

It’s the little things that will continue to keep us going

So don’t stop now because your path is still unfolding

Live in the now

Think with the sun

And walk to the sky

Nothing is impossible in the life we live, so try

@nocturnalxo

Breaking Free

The walls around me were white

My soul felt trapped

airtight

Flashbacks of my first day

Did they really leave me here to stay?

I glanced to my left and then to my right

“You don’t belong here, you better fight”

Voices rang my eyes dropped as low as they can

I did belong, I just wasn’t well

Spirit on low, thoughts that you’ll never know

Visions of what my life could be

Was it true or was it all just a fantasy?

Misconceptions all day

I couldn’t believe I had let this get to my brain

I just wanted to escape but I knew this was my place for the time being

I wrote and wrote and wrote

Until my heart felt less broke

And once It did I looked in the mirror

Reflection looked extremely unfamiliar

Fore I was so used to the sadness

It’s almost as if I had lost all of my balance

But I knew deep down I was there

I just couldn’t see it, I barely cared

It took some time but I recovered

I didn’t lose anything I only uncovered

Deeper layers of myself

Journal writing was my help including God

All I did was write I took that pen as my fight

I’m better now than I was back then

Because I learned how to be my own bestfriend

How to love myself unconditionally

It’s a struggle still but I consistently

Try and try and try

That’s all we can do and sometimes I

Still slip up, I still fall down

As long as I pick myself up for the next time around

I will persevere as long as I stand my ground

As long as I don’t forget and I know my worth

No more tears and no more hurt.

@nocturnalxo

Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo

Hero on Ground Zero

Her smile, Her strength

I learned it all from the best

Goodness gracious this lady had on a bulletproof vest

Reminded me of a ram mixed with a bull

Or so it seemed because in all reality

We cannot escape mortality

Working hard never taking a break

Life catches up to us all we all must accept our fate

And so it was

Losing your memory hurt me the most

Because all I can remember is every time you took

Me to the park or those sleepovers in the dark

Now I see you dying slowly

shot after shot

I wish we could turn back the clock

Go back to those days when you would watch me play

Now you act younger than me because of whats going on in your brain

I wish things were different but this life is a mystery

So all I can do now is remember your true history.

A strong woman you are and will always be

I’ll remember who you were and what you meant to me

Nocturnalxo

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Am I imagining this or is it real

Oh yes, I’m dissociating

What is real?

I’m losing my mind

In the calmest way

I don’t think I’m fine

But I’ll be okay.

My inner most thoughts

Just revealed like that

Vulnerability just sucks

I prefer that mask

A facade of neat

To cover up my weak spots

Someone tell me how to get rid of these dark thoughts

I know what I need

Some inner work indeed

This can’t be real life

This must be a dream

Or a nightmare for me cus I just can’t see

Why me why me

This victim mentality

I’ve become so used to it

A tragic normality

Some inner self work and a new mindset

Will give me the strength that I just don’t have

A walking contradiction

I confuse myself

So please bare with me

I must excuse myself

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